Caught in the Act Eps 1

       I have had 'worse day of my life' experiences but this was different. I paced my room with slow but steady steps, each step heightening my fears. What would my mother say? How would my father react to it? What would my siblings think of me? Moments ago my mother had walked in on me in the middle of self help. 

        Self help is the code name my generation has given to masturbation. It makes it sound presentable and normal. "Sorry" she had said and turned on her heels out my door in a hurry.  She had simply apologized for barging. I could not recollect the expression on her face as I sank into deep shame. I have being in this forced meditative mood since then. It was time for dinner but I could not face my family. I wondered if I would survive the night with this guilt. Self help is no big deal to some people but when your father is a pastor and you are a Sunday school teacher, it is simply unheard of.

        I laid on my bed and tried to think. My thoughts were hazy, they brought no relief. A part of me contemplated suicide, another coming out clean, yet another staying in this room forever. I picked my phone to call my best friend. "How far my gee" Tobi's voice floated through the phone. He is ever so loud, his voice enters a room before he is seen. I can't bring myself to talk about the reason I called him. We merely have some random surface discussion before I cut the call. I heard a knock on the door just as I was about giving up on dinner. "Ayo, are you not coming down for dinner?" It was my mother's voice. I froze in place, I heard my quaky voice reply, "I am coming ma".

         Was this a trick to get me out? She sounded too calm. Was the whole family aware? Different thoughts raced through my mind. I felt guilt and shame wash over me like a rain shower. My face felt hot and my body weak as I held the door knob. I was suddenly feeling feverish. I opened the door and put my head out a bit to look down the corridor. I saw no one, they must be in the dinning room already. I stepped out and closed the door quietly in the hope they won't hear me coming and carry on their discussion. 

          I took what seemed to be the longest walk of my life down the stairs quietly. I could hear their conversation clearly as I got to the last step. They were discussing my mother's trip to her village. You can easily hear my Dad's voice overshadowing the rest of them. I paused at the entrance behind a small wall demarcating the dinning from the living room. I considered for the last time whether to proceed or turn back, it is not too late. Before I could reach a decision, I saw my younger sister come through the entrance. She noticed me immediately. "Brother Gerald, you are the one we are waiting for” she said as she moved into the living room to pick something, most likely her phone. 

         My stomach knotted in different places. I thought about waiting for her so we can go in together. She picked her phone and walked past me, I fell into step beside her as we entered the dinning room. Unconsciously, I avoided my mother's face, in fact my family as I took a seat beside one of my younger brothers. My eyes were constantly down, looking at the food she already dished out. Luckily, no one observed my unusual quietness because of the discussion in place. I ate quietly, nodding my head to the discussion without looking up. Perhaps, she has not said anything to them. Else there would be an awkward atmosphere. 

         But how long until she does? My reputation will be flushed down the drain. Spoonful after spoonful of rice and stew, I could not feel my stomach reserving anything. I rushed it down tasteless as it felt in my mouth and excused myself for the night. Again, no one paid particular attention. They seem engrossed in this village trip discussion.

                                      To be continued...

Check out Episode 2