Who am I really? EPs 2

           Two weeks into resumption and every one seemed grouped already. I told myself it didn't matter but deep down I felt loneliness gnawing at my insides. I wanted to be left alone and at the same time be included. Priscilla was the first friend I made. She sat beside me during a lecture. She was really chatty but it was easy to follow her discussion. She talked about finding her way around school, getting through the screening process and made other small talks. Whilst lecture was on she would make funny side comments, I loved her instantly. After class, she asked me to go with her to eat at the cafeteria. After the day's work, we walked together to our new homes. She stayed off campus while I stayed on campus. My mum had ensured I got a private hostel in school, she was meticulous about my safety and comfort.          

           Priscilla would show me around school. The library (it became my second home in school), the chilling zones like she called them, where I could use endless free WiFi, the best food joints, other departments worthy of note. Through Priscilla I met other people. With time I got comfortable with saying hello to the people I sat with in class and my acquaintance increased. There were more people to wave hello to. Things were much different in my room. The two other roommates arrived. One after the other. One Esther, a visual art student and the other, Kate, an English student. Cindy was an English student too. 

           I was beginning to warm up to Cindy before they arrived. Cindy turned out to be okay. At first, I thought she cared too much. "Don't you think that sleeping position is uncomfortable?" "Have you eaten?" "How was your day?" "Heading to the market, would you like to get anything?" I accepted this affection with suspicion. I would find myself asking, what does she want? What is her motive? From the first day she arrived, Esther had a problem with me. Although there was never an open confrontation. The air was always tense when we were alone in the room. Kate was never around. She was most times in her friend's room. And when she was in the  room, her head was buried in her laptop doing movie marathons. Kate and Esther caught on real quick in the room. Some days, I would come back tired and in need of a good sleep, only to meet them discussing in high spirit and laughing really loud. I'd toss and turn in bed hoping they get the message their discussion was disturbing me. I guess this was one of the reason why I never could be friendly with Esther, she was always talking and this at the wrong time. 

           

          Studying medicine had its ups and down. I had the brain no doubt, but it did not stop me from feeling overwhelmed most of the time. I would spend my day in the library, get back to the hostel to rest a while, only to continue through mid night. My body caught on in time. I got used to surviving on little food and staying awake at night for long stretches of time. Priscilla made my time on campus a lot easy. Getting the right materials, past questions, tutorials. She knew students from other levels. She was everything I wished I could be but was afraid of. I was okay with following her around and writing her assignments. Cindy was concerned for my eating. I got so obsessed with making a good grade I sometimes forgot to eat. I would eat some cereals before leaving and sometimes get back too late to prepare a proper meal. Cindy took it upon herself to prepare something for me when she cooked.

           I got back one day to meet neatly arranged plates on my table. My roommates were fast asleep. Recognising it belonged to Cindy, I moved it to one side of the table so I could keep my notes. I saw a folded paper where the plates sat previously. I opened it. 'Rice and stew for you. Please eat before you breakdown.' My lips broke into a wide grin. The weariness I felt gave way to liveliness. The aroma of the food filled the air as I opened the covers. I slept better that night, not because of the food, but Cindy's goodness. The next day, She lectured me on why I needed to relax. School was not a do or die affair. 

          School was a do or die affair for me. Growing up, I battled with the thoughts that I was not accepted. Maybe my parents loved me but sometimes their words and actions showed otherwise. I suddenly found myself in an intense  struggle to please them all the time. I would beat myself up badly when I made mistakes; not just me, my parents visited my mistakes with such intensity. Although they never used force on me, their words did enough. I learnt I needed to be perfect to be accepted.

          I found a church on campus. A students church. You could tell by the detailed decorations and youthful exuberance in the atmosphere. "Welcome to church. Hope your week went well," one of the ushers at the entrance greeted me. I smiled and hurried past her. The seats were arranged in semi circles. You could see the pulpit from any position. I found a seat at the last roll. Easy to leave. It was extra soft. Comfy. I took a thorough look around. Nobody I know. Perfect. The instrumentalists were set on the left side of the pulpit. The seats in front were packed. A few avoiding the front joined my roll. People conversed every where I looked. I saw a young man approach the pulpit. He looked smart in his fitted blue suit. "Who is happy to be in church?," his voice filtered through the speakers attached to the utmost part of the walls, I missed that in my observation. Church began. 

    

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