Deroda's Diary

           Worry, fear and anxiety are like the little drops of water from a tiny hole that eventually sinks the ship. Slowly it sips into the mind, only this time you are sinking and too paralyzed to struggle for a chance to live. Never amounting to anything or losing everything that mattered to me in the blink of an eye, there was always something to think about. The fear of being unequal to the demands made upon me. Of falling short everytime my parents compared me to Simie, failing to meet their expectation. Not having friends. Of, well, not getting it right like everyone else. That was home.             My first session with Miss Tutu happened during a short holiday. I woke up with a tightness in my chest. I pushed at my chest, hit it a number of times just to rid the feeling, took long breaths in and out. Nothing changed. I was home alone. I took a walk outside the room into the kitchen in search of food. Junk helped...

                         Church was one of my favourite places to be. I was content to sit at the back and listen to people talk about a God that loved me. Although it was hard to comprehend or accept. It was the place I went to for the necessary high I needed to survive the week. I'd leave church charged, however by the middle of the week I am miserable again. I knew something was wrong with what I had. On this day that the tightness remained, church was where I wanted to be.              I took my usual seat at the back in the last row. Instead of watching people just arriving and those engaging in discussion, I decided to make a diary entry.              18/02/2018             Dear Diary,                          I am here thinking about all the religious pe...

            Cindy took my misery upon herself. She had silently watched the scenes over and over and seen me sigh in weariness, unable to confront the cause.              A few more steps to the room and I could hear the exchange. They were both talking at the top of their voices. I hesitated at the door when I realised I was the cause. "Please, learn to mind your business," Kate was saying. "It is my business; she is my friend," Cindy replied. Oh. She calls me her friend . "The girl is not even complaining, you are the one taking pills for her headache," Kate said. "You can say whatever you like, stop using her things. You claim you can afford it, then get your own. And use it the way you please." I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see the person. "Who is fighting?," she asked pointing her lips in the direction of my room door. "I don't know," I said and rolled my imaginary eyes. I better go in before it gets physic...