Cindy took my misery upon herself. She had silently watched the scenes over and over and seen me sigh in weariness, unable to confront the cause.
A few more steps to the room and I could hear the exchange. They were both talking at the top of their voices. I hesitated at the door when I realised I was the cause. "Please, learn to mind your business," Kate was saying. "It is my business; she is my friend," Cindy replied. Oh. She calls me her friend. "The girl is not even complaining, you are the one taking pills for her headache," Kate said. "You can say whatever you like, stop using her things. You claim you can afford it, then get your own. And use it the way you please." I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see the person. "Who is fighting?," she asked pointing her lips in the direction of my room door. "I don't know," I said and rolled my imaginary eyes. I better go in before it gets physical. I pushed the door open and entered just as Kate made to leave. She hissed and walked past me.
I was falling again. It was pitch black. I could not see anything in the darkness. But I was falling. Continuously. I woke up with a start. My heart still thudded rapidly. The light in the room was off but I could hear the sound of the ceiling fan. I pulled my covers closer to myself. This was not the first time. The nightmares about falling continuously and waking up with a gasp. I never could explain the cause.
My hand went beside and under my pillow in search of my phone. Every shadow in the room seemed to form ghostly images. The search became frantic. Where could it be? Oh God not now. I found it tucked beside my journal. There was a sigh of relief. I turned on my phone flashlight and pointed it at the shadows. There was nothing there.
It was some minutes after 1a.m. I found my way to the toilet located just outside the room. After easing my bowel, I splashed water on my face a couple of times at the sink whilst looking at my reflection in the mirror attached to the wall. On my way back to the room, I momentarily rested my back on the wall next to my room door. I closed my eyes, thinking about nothing in particular.
"Are you okay?," came the voice. My soul must have left my body. I was scared beyond measure. I opened my eyes to see a fair, short and plump girl. She looked familiar, probably one of those I greet on my way out without registering their faces. She must have seen how my body shook. "I am sorry I scared you," she said when I failed to reply her. Dazed, it did not occur to me I was yet to reply her. I looked from her to the empty corridor behind her, I suddenly craved the closure of my blanket. "I am Rhoda," she said moving closer to where I stood. I looked back at her. "Elizabeth," I said with much effort. "Erm...," I trailed off pointing my hands in the direction of my room door. "Oh no problem, have a good night," she said, moving on.
"Lord, I thank you for a new day. Please, forgive my sins and keep my family. Make the day good; be in my sleep and in my reading. Amen," I whispered when I was finally in bed. I read the scriptures I would normally read at home with my family, the famous Pauline prayers, before putting my Bible aside to read my books. By 3:40a.m. I was too sleepy to carry on. I fell asleep with the books open on my pillow.
My morning was bad. I woke feeling like the weight of the world was on me. The tightness I felt in my chest did not bulge no matter how much I tried to cheer myself. I felt empty, like a hollow lay in my stomach. Eating was mechanical and only because it was necessary. It was tasteless. It was difficult to say hello or respond to people. I grunted my replies when they made attempt to greet me first.
My face excellently wore the mood of my insides. Cindy could never understand why I had rapid mood swings. She tried to get me to talk about it on different occasions. On a day like this, my brain is usually out to sabotage me. It is merciless in bringing memories I would rather forget. Mistakes I could never right. The past I had no control over. They would well up one after the other to give me more reasons to feel lost. It was always against my happiness.
Sometimes, a thought reached out to my drowning soul, "it was not your fault. Forgive yourself." And when I felt I was at the end of my wits, yet another stabbed me all over with questions of my worth. "You do not deserve anything good: you're are worthless and imperfect. You could be so much better, but you are not. Why not end it all". Twice, it struck the right nerve and I took courage to really end it.
My diary entry read,
08/12/2017
Dear diary,
Words dry up on these lips more often.
The things that kept these eyes open no longer do.
This heart has quit being attentive.
The child within has gone for a journey
And even nature's beauty does not fluster this heart anymore.
The presence of people like a burden to this being,
To speak a torture to this soul.
The feet of joy has gone a thousand miles away.
Alas! There is no sharing this toil.
Drain, drain, drain go away.
This must be a sickness of the mind.
See, see, see how the feet of hope hurries away:
Dust to dust, this mortal shall soon be gone...
And indeed, almost gone, I was.
To be continued...
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