Dear diary, wanna hear a secret?

A note, more to myself than to you. After wild fires, the plants will sprout again. 

I am not sure of what I thought I would be writing when I titled this. I have started and I am clueless as to where this is headed. But I know I want to tell you a lot, I am just not sure how and where to begin. If I can't convey everything now, we would talk about it some other day. I have missed you. The thought of you was constantly on my mind, but I could hardly get out of my head. 2021 was a lot for me, and I imagine it was the same for you. I had the good, bad and ugly moments. I met new versions of myself. I met new people and my introverted self had to be temporarily extroverted. I did burn my fingers till I was left with just skeletons. Even now, they still hurt. I am still healing and it might take a while. Do not take the "burn" literally. 

I fell a number of times into prayerlessness, I simply lost count. I was faced with a lot of things I thought I knew how it worked, sometimes I passed, other times I struggled. I struggled with understanding God's goodness in the face of hardship and disappointment. I struggled with the questions whose answers I had yet to receive. Doubt was on the rise. Is all this real? I struggled with accepting my mistakes and moving on. Confusion wrapped with dark melancholies. 

To the part that took a large portion of my year. Becoming so many things. I was concerned about being a lot of things, I was drowning. Drowning in a pool I could not see. A pool no one around me could see. It was all in my head. It was there clearly, the anxiety gripped my heart firmly, activities did not make it bulge. There was fear constantly on the sidewalk grinning at a familiar patron. Self doubt seemed to have opened a store there too. Time, time, it kept slipping out of my hands. The clock was ticking, what are you doing with your life? Every morning, every afternoon, every evening, my brain confronted me with a number of reasons why I was not enough or why it felt I was not doing enough. I have not know that brain to work with me. It seems great at self sabotaging. Oh the frenzy! Do more. Be more. Get out there. Do something. Anything. Be everywhere. Look what your peers are doing for themselves. 

I did experience series of burn out. Overwhelming sorrow. Bouts of worry. A blurry vision of the future. The highlight of which was an anxiety attack that lasted a month. I had to shut down my social media platforms, WhatsApp inclusive and permanently switch off my sims. And this was how I spent my August, sleeping and waking up with the tightness in my chest. It was very uncomfortable. I was suicidal for a long time. I lost weight rapidly and left everyone wondering what went wrong. My eating disorder heightened and even now, I can't seem to adjust to proper healthy eating. 

Some days, I would beg myself to take a break. Go easy on myself. Life is a process and nobody happens suddenly. But perfectionism will be the death of me.  Growth was a vague thing. And by my standards, I was failing at life. And I did overthink things. Gosh, temperament. 

I did learn new skills. People wise. Tech wise. Art wise. I stepped out of my comfort zone a number of times and for this, I would pat myself on the back. I bonded more with people I have only known from afar. And I found new friends. I tried new things I would have thought to be daring. I am immensely grateful for people who were able to speak the right words to me at each point. And for circumstances that seems universely orchestrated.

What would be my take away from this journey? One is forgiveness. I have not been huge on forgiving. It is easy for me to overlook people's mistakes and forgive them, but it is harder to show that kindness to myself. I did a lot of self punishing and only damaged my state further. I kept my maladies to myself and did a good job carrying on and putting up a face. I listened to other people but I did not give them the opportunity to listen to me. Maybe I thought I was protecting them, I did not want to be a burden. I do realize now that there are people who would care for you better than you might care for yourself (I am not big on self care to begin with). I got a couple of them this year.

Next take away, there is always hope. Let courage have it's way. A lot of times, I said this to myself but it only felt like a mantra I was saying but actually did not believe in. I tell you, even now as I type this, a lot of things seem blur. My chest is in a knot. There is so much before me. But I want to believe in hope. I want to hope for better things. I want to take courage and live another day. I want to let go of my mistakes and take courage to move forward. Breathe. 

If for anything, I want to know God better. I want to ask Him questions and be zealous about getting the answers. I want to be intentional about a lot of things. Give myself the space to breath and take life a step at a time. I want to stop struggling. I want peace. Calm. The void and emptiness is wearying. 

Beloved, rest easy in God's love for you. I will be seeing you soon. And hey, please remember to talk to Him about me, will you? Thanksss. 

If you need someone to talk to,,, I will be right here...