Swoon episode 3

 

Jimi was walking me to my hostel. I enjoy his company. He is good at keeping a lively conversation, sometimes I think he sees right through me. We talk about anything. He has been trying to get me to talk about what was making me withdrawn. Some days, I feel bad for thinking such thoughts and want to stop, only to fall back into it. Jimi was talking but I could not hear him. The mild sorrow I felt, the full moon shining above us and the street lamp that cast a gold glow on the wet and empty street, making the atmosphere serene seemed to have set me thinking. For the first time, I noticed him. How come I never thought about him in that way?       

"This night breeze is doing so many things to my head," I muttered. I shook my head to regain composure. Jimi was saying something about idols when I came to.

"Huh."

"Idols," he said again.

"What about them?" I asked confused. 

"I use to think about the Israelites and I'd say, how difficult can it be to just stick to God? At the slightest opportunity they are gone after their idols. I would say I can never do that." He chuckled.

"In fact idols do not need to be a wooden image. It could be anything that gets our attention over God. I did a self evaluation and I found I had many. I was just like them. A modern idolator." He chuckled again. This time I laughed. "I excused myself but I had to admit it. I was an idolator. You were one of my idols." He looked at me. It was an open secret. My friends teased me all the time about the special attention he paid to me. "I liked you. I really did. I picked out my outfit with you in mind. I woke up wondering what you were up to. It was becoming an obsession."

He stopped talking. I wasn't sure what to say or if he expected a reply. 

"I hope this is not awkward for you," he asked. "I will be fine, it is not everyday someone confess to having a crush on you," I gave my best smile and he laughed. 

"It gets better. I soon repented of my idolatry but I could not stop thinking about you," he continued. I felt the heat in my face. Someone has or well had a crush on me. Happy dance. Gosh.

"I knew I had to take steps," Jimi was saying. "I gave it to God. Told Him all about it and asked for His help. I took conscious effort at redirecting my thoughts elsewhere, you know, guarding your heart. I reminded myself all the time that I am to love God with all my heart, not part. Remi said something that helped me." Here we go. "What I felt was not wrong. God created us to be that way. Male and female attract. But what is wrong is when I feed those feelings over and over again til it takes the place of God and leads to more sin. I could have committed adultery with you in my mind." I looked down at my palms. There I was committing it on a daily basis with Stranger.

Liking someone is different from being infatuated with them," he continued. "I like Remi. She is intelligent, hard working and loves God. But I don't think about her in a manner that disrupts my activities. I guess there are levels to this thing. Some people don't get affected as much. Good thing is, it was gone as fast as it came. The thoughts stopped. I asked God to help me love you in a proper way. I see you now, your strengths and weaknesses, the friend I adore. I still hope to be more than friends with you some day, but now all I have got for you are pure thoughts. I don't even know why I am talking about all of this. I agree with you, I talk too much." He rubbed the back of his head like a teenage boy caught in an act. I laughed. 

For some reason, everyone around me keeps chipping in small talks that could help me solve my crush problem, well if I wanted to. Mum would say it is God wooing you back to Him. He is coming through every means to get you back, because He loves you and no one can pluck you out of His hands. No one. Not even a crush.

I was crushing on Stranger for a month when I finally had that talk with Aunt Titi. She was really pleased, you'd think I promised her cash. 

"Is it wrong to have a crush on someone?" I asked out of the blue.         

"Why do you ask? Having a crush on someone? Tell aunty about it." I almost slapped myself for asking. 

"I just want to know. 

"It depends," she shrugged. 

"How?" I was curious. 

"It is not wrong to find someone attractive. Whether it crosses the lines of natural reaction to being a sin is what matters, my dear." She turned from me to check what she was cooking. "My husband was my crush at some point, before I knew he was the one. I'd think a lot about him, Fridays became my favorite day, that was when I saw him. 

But I soon learnt to avert my gaze. I barely knew him and I adored him already. There is a line between liking someone and lusting after them. It becomes lust when they are all you can think about and most times desiring them in a physical way. So my dear, letting your emotions take the reins instead of putting that natural reaction in check can lead to sin," She said over her shoulders.          

"Okay. Is it wrong to get what you want with your imagination?"

"Sarah, you should know this. In this context yes. We are told thinking it equals doing it." She tasted her food before turning to face me." Do you know why it is called a crush? You are head over heels in love and it crushes you like a weight because it is not love." Something aunt Titi can say. "Give me a moment." She left me in the kitchen. I wanted to think about what she said but my head chose pleasure. She was back with a book.

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Episode 2

Episode 1