Deroda's Diary

          It happened so fast I could not retrace my steps. One night became two, three and I lost count. At first, I felt sorry when I did it. I felt dirty and guilty. I lost every sense of self worth. Some days I resisted the urge and some days I submitted without a fight. Other days, I did not need the urge, it was sufficient that my day had gone badly. I carried on life as usual, no one could tell something was wrong. I got so used to my double life, my conscience did not bother me anymore. My friends did not help matters, they discussed it like it was a normal thing.          I felt terrible as I lay on the bed. How do I get back on track? Can God still forgive my willful disobedience? I have been down this pit for so long . I felt defeated. The knock on the door startled me out of my sleep. I realized I had fallen asleep in the midst of my self pity. I slipped into sleep again. "Ayo!" It must be a dream , "Ayo!!" This time my sleep...

       I have had 'worse day of my life' experiences but this was different. I paced my room with slow but steady steps, each step heightening my fears. What would my mother say? How would my father react to it? What would my siblings think of me? Moments ago my mother had walked in on me in the middle of self help.          Self help is the code name my generation has given to masturbation. It makes it sound presentable and normal. "Sorry" she had said and turned on her heels out my door in a hurry.  She had simply apologized for barging. I could not recollect the expression on her face as I sank into deep shame. I have being in this forced meditative mood since then. It was time for dinner but I could not face my family. I wondered if I would survive the night with this guilt. Self help is no big deal to some people but when your father is a pastor and you are a Sunday school teacher, it is simply unheard of.       ...

       Hooray! I am so glad to finally get this off to a start. Took me over two months to scale over the hurdle of self doubt but I did, learnt a lot of lessons and here I am! Why I started the blog? I love telling stories but it has always been for my personal amusement and a few close friends. I recently got my eyes opened to what the Faith should be like and I wished everyone knew.        So many things we are never taught and it affects the foundation of our belief. And then knowing God becomes a burden, when it should be the best thing that ever happened to you. Been there. I thought what could be done? And Ruach HK goes 'you love writing, yea? You should totally tell people in story form, it even sticks better'. And Chesed said we could tell them about the love of God, how they are righteous, what has been done for them and who they really are. So you can expect to see nothing but the truth, mercy and person of God on these pages.  ...