Who am i really? eps 5
Church was one of my favourite places to be. I was content to sit at the back and listen to people talk about a God that loved me. Although it was hard to comprehend or accept. It was the place I went to for the necessary high I needed to survive the week. I'd leave church charged, however by the middle of the week I am miserable again. I knew something was wrong with what I had. On this day that the tightness remained, church was where I wanted to be.
I took my usual seat at the back in the last row. Instead of watching people just arriving and those engaging in discussion, I decided to make a diary entry.
18/02/2018
Dear Diary,
I am here thinking about all the religious people I know, I am wondering how they do it. Do they have lapses or have we read them off as perfect. Can we be perfect? Everyone seems to be getting it right. Some nights, staring at the moon, I wish I could fly up there and sit on the moon. Sometimes I wish I was like Nature, so calm and beautiful, healing all together but really Nature as well has Her outbursts, but it makes Her more attractive to us, or really is that not what we love about Nature.
As if on cue, here comes the rain.
I stopped writing at the sound of the rain hitting the roof heavily. I flipped the pages reading old entries. Two girls asked to pass in front of me to get to the other seats. I got up to let them through. I had forgotten completely about the other night until I saw Rhoda walk into church. That night felt like a fraction of my imagination. She was slightly wet. She walked to the front, greeting almost everyone she met, their faces lit up when they saw her. She knows a lot people, I observed.
"Is the seat beside you taken?," a male voice asked. "No," I said without looking at his face. I stood up to let him through. The instrumentalists were beginning to play music in the background. I saw a slender lady in a black gown and high heels approach the pulpit. "I am happy you are in church today. Another awesome time together in the presence of our Father," she said with a joy you can't fake. "Tell someone I am happy to see you in church today and how was your week?," she turned to the guitarist beside her. I turned to repeat what she had said to the person beside me, half expecting him to turn to the person on his right hand. There was nobody on my left hand. His happy face was waiting for me. I was a bit taken aback. He looked too excited. "I am happy to see you in church today, how was your week?," he said smiling. "It was fine, thank you and yours?," I said in a hurry. "My week was super," he said. I smiled. O-kay. I turned my face from him.
Pastor Funmi came up after worship. I only know her name because she mentioned it. It has been a month and I still don't know folks around here. She announced there will be a series of teaching on the knowledge of who we are in Christ. She was to start the series. Sermon started. She asked a question. "If you have been for altar call more than once here, let me see your hands", there was a bit of laughter from the front row. Hands shot up in the air. There was more laughter. I had been for alter calls a number of times. I was never sure if Christ remained with me after I made a mistake and it never felt like I was truly saved. "You are many," she laughed. "Another one, how many of you felt Jesus had left you when you were not feeling the way you felt when you just got born again?", another set of hands shot in the air. The congregation laughed again. I could not understand the cause of their laughter. They seem to be really happy people in this church. Perhaps, they know better now on the questions she asked.
"That is good." Pastor Funmi continued. "We will start from there. When we accept Jesus into our life, He comes to stay. He tells us He is with us forever. Nothing can separate us from Him. Not even sin. I will explain that. Jesus has made provision such that even when we make mistakes, we can ask for forgiveness and be restored. It is available all the time. Nothing has the capacity to separate us from the love of God, except what we allow." Hmmm. I wrote the last line in my jotter. Pastor Funmi moved from one part of the stage to the other, her hand gesticulating. She speaks with so much passion, it is difficult to be distracted.
"When you receive Jesus, what should you do next? Feed on the word!" she hit the pulpit emphasising every word. "A lot of you permit Satan to rob you of precious peace because you are ignorant of what you have in Christ. Make a decision today to feed on the word. That is you. That is the manual to your new living." "Gloryy," the guy beside me said. "Is someone blessed this morning?," Pastor Funmi said. The congregation erupted with different responses. "Hallelujah" "Glory" "Yes mummy" and some screamed and others whistled. It is so easy to catch on the joy in this atmosphere. "So next time you don't feel like you are saved and you have asked Jesus into your life in sincerity, go to the word. What does the word say? That if I believe in Him, He has given me power to be called a son, that I have eternal life. The word says so. My feelings don't matter. You stay on that word. Let's rise as we begin to worship the Father for His good gifts. The knowledge of who we are in Him."
As soon as we said the grace, I put my jotter in my bag and stood up to leave. "Just a moment please," I felt someone touch my hand. It was the guy beside me.
"We can move outside together while we talk." He started walking towards the entrance and I followed beside him. "I love the way you tie your scarf," he said
"Thank you."
"Is it your signature look?," he asked.
"Not really." It did not occur to me immediately but when it did, I squeezed my face confused.
"You wear your feelings on your face," he laughed. "You are wondering how I know you tie it this way all the time. Right?" My face eased, I laugh a little and nodded yes. "I pay attention to people. And recently, you have been an object of my constant observation," he beamed. O-kay. I could not think of a response so I smiled and looked away from him.
"Forgive me, I am Tolu," he said offering his hand. "Elizabeth," I said taking it.
"Finally, I have a friend called Elizabeth. Do you mind if I call you Beth or Bethy?"
"It is fine," I said.
"Are you aware of the hangout on Thursday?"
I nodded in the negative. "How can you possibly be when you are always in a competition to be the first to step out of the door after Church" he laughed. I laughed too. "By the way, we have a group chat. I noticed you did not indicate as a first timer on your first day. Let me have your number so you can be added. Or you don't want to?" He said when I hesitated a bit. "It is fine," I said and called out my number. He beeped me immediately. "You can save mine too, I will chat you up on WhatsApp so we can talk more,".
"Okay".
"It was nice speaking with you Miss Bethy," he said in a gentlemanly manner slightly bowing.
"And you too Sir Tolu." He laughed. "Bye", I said and turned to leave. I saw Rhoda speaking with someone on my left. I hurried past hoping she won't notice me.
To be continued.
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