Life N Death eps 2
The weekend was over and I had to be back in school. I had skipped classes for the past week and the previous week to pull myself together, but as I stood facing the school building, I knew I was not ready to face my new reality. School without Beatrice.
"Lina," I turned around to look at my mother still parked where I got off the car, "it is going to be alright, God is helping you." She said with a mild reassuring smile.
"God?" I spat. "Since when did he care?" I turned from her abruptly and walked towards class. I could imagine the shock my words must have left, but I couldn't care less.
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I took what felt like the longest walk of my life to class, ignoring stares and nodding to hellos. In class, I wish Mrs Waston had pretended I was not there but she decided to make a fuss about my resumption. Talking about how it was nice to have me back, if I felt better, and how she lost her grandma. I mostly groaned through the interaction, trying to keep an okay face. These days, I said little or nothing to people, it was a laborious task and I found it better to be solitary.
It was time for recess, I stayed back in class my head hung over a book I was mindlessly scribbling on. I had a hoodie over my head which was enough to say I wanted to be left alone. Cindy sat two rows from me. She went to the same church as Beatrice. She watched me sometimes. I could tell because it felt like her stare was burning through my clothes. I heard a seat quake in her direction and some foot steps approaching me. I focused on making defined lines on the book.
"Hi."
"Hi." I returned, barely above a whisper. She pulled a seat close by and it made some screeching sound that bothered my ears. I felt the hair on my body rise and I remembered when I got the news about Beatrice's accident. We were supposed to meet later in the day to discuss a concern she had. That morning, I was at the fridge storing the fruits Dad bought, while mum was preparing breakfast. Her phone rang and what I heard next was her exclamation as her sad eyes rested on me. I wondered what was wrong; as I moved closer to her my face twisted with worry. Her hands found the wall behind her as she rested on it for support. She did not reply my questions on what was wrong as she sobbed. I stood in front of her, sometimes I walked to the fridge and back, waiting for her to say something. I felt uneasy as I thought about a thousand things that could have gone wrong, but nothing so calamitous.
"Beatrice," She finally said in between sobs and the hair on my body rose, "She went bicycling this morning." The two lines were enough to tell me all that could have gone wrong. My legs gave way under me and the last thing I remembered was my mum screaming my name.
"Lina," Cindy tapped me on my shoulder. I did not hear her call my name. She was seated beside me and must have realized I was not listening. "I am sorry about Beatrice. She was loved by all."
I looked at Cindy. Her eyes rested on my desk. Her fingers were closely locked whilst she played with her thumbs. I knew her to be a kind person but I wondered why she put herself up to talking to me.
As if on cue, she took one of my hands in hers. She gently stroke the back of my hands and I could feel her fidget slightly. "I have been thinking about you. I was hoping you will be back to school soon. I know it can feel hard right now. You have so many questions and you probably blame God for what has happened. I don't have the answers too and I won't pretend to understand what you might be experiencing, but God cares about how you might be feeling and you can talk to him to help you."
I yanked my hand away from her grip, her hands shot mid way in the air in shock. When she regained composure, I heard her sigh. There was some giggles behind me and I felt sorry about my reaction. I was mad at God. Not her. She did not deserve the ridicule but I could not bring myself to say anything.
She tried again, this time her hands in between her laps. "You know, God is not to be blamed. He did not cause the accident."
I looked at Cindy again. She did not hold my gaze. Something within me craved answers as much as I wanted to shut out any conversation on God. "But he could have stopped it. He could have saved her, couldn't he? She was His child. But He let her die." Tears gathered at my eyelids and I looked away from her.
Cindy adjusted in her seat. I wondered if she was regretting putting herself up to this. "Would knowing why He did not save her give you closure and help you heal?"
I thought about what she said, and I realized the question was not as important as having Beatrice back. I wanted Beatrice back. Even though it was impossible, that was the only way I could stop hurting.
"What do you know about losing a loved one?" My nose was running a little and I wiped it with my hoodie. Cindy did not say anything for a while.
"I know that if they believed, they leave to a better place and we will get to meet someday. I also know that sometimes, we cling too tightly to people and when they are taken, we hold offence because we feel entitled to them"—entitled, how dare she call me entitled—"forgetting that we are individuals experiencing life and each having their own path and purpose to fulfill. And what we want is not as important as the big picture." What big picture? I thought of my response but the bell that marked the end of recess rung and Cindy said she would see me around.
I felt a mix of hurt, pain, anger and confusion. On the other hand, I wanted help with all I was feeling. Till the end of class, I would look in her direction to see what she was doing. She never looked my way.
New episodes every Wednesday! đ¤
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