Deroda's Diary

“So, who are you really?” Tolu asked. I was quiet for what seemed like minutes. I knew who I was, of course I did. But as I thought about it, I realized there was nothing positive to say. Who am I? Really  I repeated in my head. The replies came fast, like puppies rushing to their owner, trying to be counted. Depressive, shame-prone, overly self conscious, overly sensitive and emotional, given to fear and anxiety, not good enough, wrong body, rejected. The list was endless. Pouring out of my mind like it had been waiting for this moment. A moment of revelation. This is me. A network of everything wrong. I sank into self pity. I felt the tear build up in my eyes and my face felt too hot. A nudge in the right direction, and I would be crying like one mourning a lost loved one. My head remained bowed for a long time. I relived every moment of my past I hated and wished I could change. I was so lost in thought I did not see Tolu approach me. He had moved his seat besi...

        "I am sorry to hear that." I said slowly. "My parents fought all the time," he continued, a soft smile on his face. "Eventually when she could no longer endure the beatings my mother left without a goodbye when I was 10. I have two older siblings. While they reacted to the problems differently, I found I was more sensitive and emotional. It was hard to live with. I grew up bitter at my parents, myself, God and life. I would think, if not for this incidents, I would have turned out better. For a long time, I battled with a negative image of myself. I was a victim of sexual abuse, the child of divorced parents and soon an active follower of all the vices you could think of. It was hard to see myself as anything more than that. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. So, what's your story?". "Something similar," I said plainly. "Why are you so uncomfortable in your skin?" "I am comfortable. What makes yo...

              My wardrobe depicted the state of my mind, a huge mess. The gowns and Cardigan I hung at the top were slipping from the hangers. My clothes lay in piles unfolded, after getting them from the line yesterday I was too tired to fold them. I had turned out the bag containing my undies, headwear and belts yesterday in a hurry. My clips lay atop the mess. Some provision had spilled from placing them improperly or dropping some while using it. I had enough time before my first lecture. Mondays are quite spaced for me. I plugged my headphones and got to work. Some notifications interrupted my music. I took out my phone from my pocket to check it. I scrolled down and saw WhatsApp chats from a number. Probably Sir Tolu. Should I reply now or later? I clicked the message. He was still online. 'Surviving. And you?' I responded to his 'how are you this morning'. I turned off my data connection before he could reply.          ...

             Rhoda walked beside me slowly. Occasionally, I'd steal a glance at her dimples. I noticed they were deeper when she was not talking.   We were still within the church compound. It was very large. One trip round should help you lose all the calories you plan to have. Every now and then Rhoda waved goodbye to someone. We passed some girls taking pictures with funny positions. I chuckled a bit. "That is Lolade, Chichi and Maggi," Rhoda said pointing out the bearers. "Oh," I said.  "Would you like to say hello?  I can introduce you,"  she offered.  "Oh no no. Thank you. I will pass," she was moving towards them already so I put my hands in front of her to stop her movement.  "Wait, you don't like people?" she asked as one of her eye brows shot up and her dimples deepened.  "It is not like that. I-" I fumbled for words to explain myself.  "How is it then? " Rhoda asked.  "I just...well, I enjoy ...

           Worry, fear and anxiety are like the little drops of water from a tiny hole that eventually sinks the ship. Slowly it sips into the mind, only this time you are sinking and too paralyzed to struggle for a chance to live. Never amounting to anything or losing everything that mattered to me in the blink of an eye, there was always something to think about. The fear of being unequal to the demands made upon me. Of falling short everytime my parents compared me to Simie, failing to meet their expectation. Not having friends. Of, well, not getting it right like everyone else. That was home.             My first session with Miss Tutu happened during a short holiday. I woke up with a tightness in my chest. I pushed at my chest, hit it a number of times just to rid the feeling, took long breaths in and out. Nothing changed. I was home alone. I took a walk outside the room into the kitchen in search of food. Junk helped...

                         Church was one of my favourite places to be. I was content to sit at the back and listen to people talk about a God that loved me. Although it was hard to comprehend or accept. It was the place I went to for the necessary high I needed to survive the week. I'd leave church charged, however by the middle of the week I am miserable again. I knew something was wrong with what I had. On this day that the tightness remained, church was where I wanted to be.              I took my usual seat at the back in the last row. Instead of watching people just arriving and those engaging in discussion, I decided to make a diary entry.              18/02/2018             Dear Diary,                          I am here thinking about all the religious pe...

            Cindy took my misery upon herself. She had silently watched the scenes over and over and seen me sigh in weariness, unable to confront the cause.              A few more steps to the room and I could hear the exchange. They were both talking at the top of their voices. I hesitated at the door when I realised I was the cause. "Please, learn to mind your business," Kate was saying. "It is my business; she is my friend," Cindy replied. Oh. She calls me her friend . "The girl is not even complaining, you are the one taking pills for her headache," Kate said. "You can say whatever you like, stop using her things. You claim you can afford it, then get your own. And use it the way you please." I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned to see the person. "Who is fighting?," she asked pointing her lips in the direction of my room door. "I don't know," I said and rolled my imaginary eyes. I better go in before it gets physic...

                          Pricilla was not the first person to complain I try too hard to please people. "You are nice to a fault," her exact words. Kate had lent some of my plates at different times and failed to return them in one piece. "Elizabeth, lend me your plate," Kate said and without waiting for my response, she was at my wardrobe moving things and helping herself to my utensils. I felt Cindy's intense gaze on me. My eyes darted in a different direction. From my side view, I saw her shake her head. I heard some movement on her bed and she was gone. I sighed inaudibly. Kate moved from end of the room to the other dragging her feet along.                      I turned to take my journal where I tucked it in beside my bed. I sat up in bed and rested my back on the wall close to my bed, with my pillow behind me and my legs crossed. My closest friend had give...

           Two weeks into resumption and every one seemed grouped already. I told myself it didn't matter but deep down I felt loneliness gnawing at my insides. I wanted to be left alone and at the same time be included. Priscilla was the first friend I made. She sat beside me during a lecture. She was really chatty but it was easy to follow her discussion. She talked about finding her way around school, getting through the screening process and made other small talks. Whilst lecture was on she would make funny side comments, I loved her instantly. After class, she asked me to go with her to eat at the cafeteria. After the day's work, we walked together to our new homes. She stayed off campus while I stayed on campus. My mum had ensured I got a private hostel in school, she was meticulous about my safety and comfort.                      Priscilla would show me around school. The librar...

          Living alone has its pros and cons. I had never been far from my family or spent a night outside my home. Except for vigils and I was with my family. Leaving for school was going to be a whole new experience for me. Much as I would love to step outside my home and from the constant watch of my mother, the thought of living with people other than my family terrified me. However, I did not look it when my parents dropped me off at the airport. This could be my only chance to learn to survive on my own. In past times, my mum had dictated every step I took, the friends I kept, the places I went, down to the decisions I made. It was hard to form an opinion on my own or take a decision without her. In part, it accounted for my indecisive nature. My Dad took the liberty to lecture me all the time on why I needed to be independent of her.         A varsity in another state, new roommates, a monthly allowance, a new pho...