who am I really?

“So, who are you really?” Tolu asked. I was quiet for what seemed like minutes. I knew who I was, of course I did. But as I thought about it, I realized there was nothing positive to say. Who am I? Really I repeated in my head. The replies came fast, like puppies rushing to their owner, trying to be counted. Depressive, shame-prone, overly self conscious, overly sensitive and emotional, given to fear and anxiety, not good enough, wrong body, rejected. The list was endless. Pouring out of my mind like it had been waiting for this moment. A moment of revelation. This is me. A network of everything wrong. I sank into self pity. I felt the tear build up in my eyes and my face felt too hot. A nudge in the right direction, and I would be crying like one mourning a lost loved one. My head remained bowed for a long time. I relived every moment of my past I hated and wished I could change. I was so lost in thought I did not see Tolu approach me. He had moved his seat beside me and was watching me.

“Hey,” he started quietly. “You know you don’t have to go on hurting like this,” Tolu said after a long silence. He placed his hand slowly on my shoulder like he was not sure if it was the right move. I tried to look up at him, which made me blink, releasing the tears trapped in my eye lids. It rolled down my cheeks and dropped on the screen of my phone. I stared at the tear for a while before shifting my attention to my reflection on the screen. A network of everything wrong.

“I might be a little hard on you. You would have to forgive me and reason with me.” I looked up at him a second time, I blinked to remove the tears blinding my view. I nodded. Why did I feel like he was about to say something I would consider annoying. I held my nose and sucked in the mucus blocking my breath. “How long have you been saved?” he asked.

“2 years or more.”

“Okay. Have you tried to get over this state?”

“Of course I have. I just find myself back to the cycle. I want to be happy. I want to sleep well at night without thinking about what I might have said wrongly in the day,” I slouched against my seat.

“I would correct you on one point. You said that is just the way you are. You are wrong. When you are in Christ, you are a new creation. Old things are passed away and all things have become new. The old nature is no longer you. That depressive, shame-prone, not-good-enough, mood swings, low self esteem person is gone. You are a new person.” Tolu paused a while to let me digest what he had said. I had a number of questions. If I am a new person, why do I still get depressed? why does the past still hunt me? Why can’t I appreciate myself? Too many why’s.

“It might sound harsh but I think some of the reasons people remain the way they were before Christ is because they never see what has been made available for them. And some come to the knowledge of what has been made available for them but eventually lose the understanding and they are like those ignorant.” It felt like Tolu was speaking in another tongue. I blinked a number of times trying to assimilate what he said. It bounced off my head.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Ever heard this scripture, man that is in honour and does not understand is like the beast that perish. Meaning, if you are held in high esteem and you are ignorant of this, you would live below your capacity. You need to know who you are. You are a product of God’s thought. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. The thought of you filled God’s heart before He ever spoke the word, let us make man in our image and likeness. Do you even understand the depth of that?” he sounded incredulous to my ears. Although all he said was contained in the word, it managed to sound farfetched. It was a truth hard to accept. That would mean...

“Bethy, God loves you so much. He already promised to forgive you if you confess your sins. Forgiveness is available already, you just have to confess and believe the word that He has forgiven you. Recollecting it and punishing yourself does not make any difference. Don’t allow the devil deprive you of the joy in Christ. Don’t listen to his lies, go boldly to the throne of grace where you can always find help in your time of need.”

“I should not be guilt-prone,” I said in a whisper.

“The past is in the past. You get the gist. You should not be. And it is your duty to have that knowledge and apply it. Keyword apply.” Tolu turned in his seat to face the table. “You know, God’s love is enough to change any image of yourself. Imagine the creator of the universe, coming to die for an imperfect you so he can make you perfect. He placed great value on you. But it is hard to come to terms with this understanding sometimes,” he said yawning.

“Did you sleep well last night? Cause I noticed you have been yawning a lot," I said stifling a yawn myself.

“Do not change the topic,” he scolded and I chuckled.

“Sometimes, the thoughts are obstructive. I try to forget them. I want the images to be gone but it remains painted in my memory.”

“So, I am about to sound really motivational but I promise it is the truth.”

“Okay.”

“You own your thoughts,” he said. I rolled my eyes although I didn’t mean to, at least not physically.

“Hold on, before you write me off.” I thought about apologizing but my mouth stayed close. “Honestly, your thoughts don’t own you, if it wasn’t so then the scripture won’t tell us to guide our heart with all diligence. It is your duty to guard your heart cause it is exceedingly wicked. Even when it is suggesting thoughts to you, remember that you have a choice to accept it or reject. As a man thinks in his heart so he is, so if you think you are not good enough, you are. From your thoughts, it becomes your speech and soon it guides your actions, becomes a habit and your character, then you conclude, this is me. That is just the way I am.”

“But, is that not-“ I started to say.

“No, but,” he interjects. “Who are you? You are what the word says you are. Not your past, not your feeling, not your upbringing. Not any of that. Just the word. You are perfect. When you accepted Christ, your spirit man was made perfect. That is the real you. Not this depressive version."

“I don’t get it. If I am perfect, why am I like this?” I asked, both my hands pointing at myself. “Why can’t I be happy all the time or let go of things easily?”

“The new you is renewed in knowledge after the image of God. Although you are no longer the old person, you need to constantly be conscious of your newness and affirm it when the old man tries to rear it’s head. You need to abide in the reality that you are a new person.”

“But that does not change the fact that you would get-"

“Bethy.” He sounded firm for the first time. “Yes, the old man will try to deceive you into thinking you are the same person. There are days you would wake up not feeling up to life. But whether you stay down or you scale the hurdle depends on you. You can either believe God’s report or choose to be a victim. It is easier to be a victim. You wallow in the pool of self pity and all that selfishness. You wish you could change things. You blame your pain on one person or the other. You feel no one understands. Oh you are different. So broken”. He placed his chin on his palms, rested his elbows on the table, leaned towards me slowly and pouted his lips. “And oh, how humble”, he said pointing with his lips. I was frustrated.

“I am not joking, it is not funny. You are making light of something I find tiring.”

“Hold on. But if you choose to accept what God has done for you, it is hard work but very liberating. You have been programmed a particular way and now you are telling your mind, I was wrong. I am someone new. I have abundance of joy. I have forgiveness. I was wonderfully made. I am compassionate, bold and confident. I am not fearful. I might make mistakes but I move on. There, who you really are confronts the lies the devil wants you to believe. It is hard but what joy when it sticks.

“But I have tried and failed countless times,” I said with dismal. “I just can’t help it”. I felt tears rushing up again.

“When you are done with your pity party you can put away your pity pot and let us go,” he said standing up. “I don’t get it, “ I said, standing up to join him. “Look in front of you,“ he pointed at the other end of the room. I saw a woman, she carried a child on her lap, about 4 years if my guess was correct, she was feeding the child. “If you look at the natural, you would understand the spiritual better, “ he continued. “Change or growth, whichever, does not happen in a day. You need to give yourself time and be patient. You need to bury yourself in the right knowledge. The Word. If you are trying to work up muscles do you exercise inconsistently and expect results? No. To stay fit, you need to keep at it. You can’t give up or get tired. When you stop, you lose ground and you have to work harder for what you lost. Exercise your spirit man. Don’t focus on the flesh and it’s flaws."

“Oh.“ I said.

“Oh.” He repeated. I hit him on the side and he crouched as though he was hurt.

“Baby punch. From the look of things, I hope perfectionism in your own strength won’t be the death of you”, he said laughing. I feigned annoyance. I crossed my hands across my chest, watching him. He looked at me and laughed some more.

“You are annoying,” I said, joining his laughter. “Thank you”.

He pulled a serious face and bowed slightly, “you are welcome Miss Bethy.”

“I feel like I have known you a long time.”

“The feeling is mutual," he said, smiling. “Let me walk you to class. If your lecture was holding later I would have shown you a good chicken suya joint off campus." he said, walking in front of me. Missing one lecture won’t hurt.

"Who said anything about going for lecture? Where is the joint? We only live once", I said falling into steps with him.

"I did not teach you that one," Tolu laughed.

Come next Wednesday for the next episode. 💜💜

Check out previous episodes