Life N Death finale
Life was back to normal. Occasionally I had thoughts about Beatrice, but it was not from the place of sorrow. I knew better, even though it was hard healing. I wasn't mad at God but I found it difficult getting back to him after a long period of not talking to him. I could never avoid Sunday Church cause my parents will not have it. I would sit with them and distract myself through the sermon. This Sunday after our long discussion about Beatrice, I decided to pay attention.
"What was said to you at the point of believing?" The voice of the preacher echoed through the auditorium. "A God that gives all that you want?" I felt the air in my chest tighten.
"We would be lying if we said that." He chuckled a little. "Christ the author and finisher of our faith said in this world we will have troubles, but this we know," His fingers tapped on the pulpit, "that we have overcome like he did." He wiped his forehead with an handkerchief.
"You may wonder, why do we go through trials? Does God use them to build us? God did not call us to suffering, however while are we are here on earth, flesh and blood, we cannot avoid trials and tribulation. Even Jesus faced trials. The joy we have is that even the trials are working for our good."
"Amen! Hallelujah!" A mild play on the keyboard followed.
"Some of us, once life is not going as planned, we are quick to jump the boat. Not so?" He chuckled again. "Forgetting that God is not our errand boy. You did not get saved as a ticket to get all you ever desire. God is not there to our bidding whenever we want. Our parents love us, but do they give us all things when we want them?" He scanned the congregation like he was waiting for reactions.
"The same is true of God. I cannot give my baby Joshua everything he points to. I only permit his use of some things, the more I see he is matured to handle them."
"We must understand that in all it is first about God. Not us. We are saved to do his bidding. Now that won't go down your throat easy." He looked at the congregation over the rim of the eye glass he had on. "It is he who has made you not you yourself. Can you by a thought add one inch to your life?" He smiled. "Are we still friends?"
There was a chorus of laughter and someone at the back whistled, "Preach on!"
"God loves us and desires to give us all things. He wants us to mature. This is why trials are allowed. To help us build perseverance. You know, faith without works is dead."
He moved away from the pulpit and walked towards the line where the roll of seats starts. "How do we know Abraham had faith? It was because he considered God faithful and was obedient when he asked him to offer up Isaac as a sacrifice.
"The same goes for us, our ability to depend on God and to trust in his love for us in the face of trials and not go back from following him is our works. That is how our faith can be said to be true. Tested and true." He made a fist.
"God is in control of everything. In the midst of it he creates an escape for us. No plight has befallen us that has not befallen others. He won't allow anything that is more than us. Can I get an amen?"
"Amen." The congregation chorused.
Service was over. The sermon had been directed at me. I could have sworn God had a word with Bishop Sam about me, cause it felt like his eyes were resting on me through the sermon. It could have been my imagination and maybe because I felt attacked by the words. It was not over. After sermon, there was usually group meetings for discussions based on age group. I had managed to avoid attending any since my parents would not be watching. I was about taking my leave through the back door when my group leader was came in through the same door.
"Leaving already?" He asked, his frame covering most of the path. I looked from his face to the opening behind him. I was only a few steps away from freedom.
"I...I was going to..." He did not wait for me to complete my sentence when he pulled me by my hand and turned me around. We started the walk back to the section for group 26. The group had started the discussion. It was usually a buildup on what was said during sermon. Isaac was talking when we arrived.
"I think God allows it to build character in us. It is so easy to claim we believe something until we are faced with choosing to make a tough decision," he said.
"That's true," Daniel added. "Like fairweather friends. We can say we love him and when our conviction is tested by life, we suddenly don't know what we have believed."
"Hmm. Hmm." The rest murmured.
The group leader pointed me to an empty seat beside Gabrielle. I felt their eyes on me as I made my way to the sit.
"Who sends the trials?" Someone asked.
"They are usually from circumstances that arise with living in a broken world. Could be from people." A voice responded as I made it to my seat.
"True. Influences from other spirits in the world too. And there are temptations based on our desires," Another added.
"In all this, it is amazing that the apostles in the bible did not have everything they wanted. Even Paul said he has learnt to be content, whether in much or little. What was important was the virtue he had learnt," Isaac continued. "God did not stop his persecutions. And that did not stop them from serving God. They counted it all joy to suffer for Christ."
Jake, the fourth guy in the group spoke next. He had the tiniest voice I ever heard. "That be like when Jesus said anyone who put their hand to the plow and look back is unfit for God's service. It is like saying I love you God until so and so happens. My loyalty has limits. If trials or persecution come up, I am out.
"Which would be wrong. I mean—" He coughed a little to adjust his tone"—He gave us his son. Throughout Christ's ministry, never once did God forsake him. But he looked away on the cross, so our sins could be paid. He did not spare his son, he gave Jesus for us all, how much more will he give us all things through him."
"So there will—" Isaac started to say but the group lead interjected.
"I feel the point is this, God gives us the big picture. The promises. The plan is to prosper us, give us a future and a hope. He shows us the end. But when we zoom in on the picture, we see the tiny details. The day to day hurdles. The ups and downs. But he calls us to trust him through the process. Follow him through the tunnel of his will, cause at the end of that is success."
I noticed for the first time that Isaac had braces on. He spoke with his lips hardly parting.
"But often times we are quick to take our eyes off him and focus on the present hurdle we are facing. And then it becomes overwhelming. We lose track of the purpose of the hurdles and then we try to do life by ourselves."
Jeremiah nodded at Isaac's words, like it struck a chord with him. I looked from one member of the group to the other as they made their contributions. I hoped that no one would put me on the spot.
Jessica passed a comment about how the persecutions of Paul taught him to trust in God, because of that we know in our weakness, God's strength is made known. God did not stop the persecutions, but gave him strength in it. We were more than conquerors already.
"We are to embrace trials and persecution, they are working in us a greater glory." The group leader had added.
"Heads or tails we win!" Gabrielle squealed. "Love eet, love eet." Mary gave Gabrielle a high five. Her enthusiasm in the face of life was very admirable. I was present when she lost her mum. She had taken it all too well. I could not imagine what I would have done in her place. We said a word of prayer and closed the discussion.
While I waited beside the the car for Mum and Dad, Gabrielle walked past on the other side. She did not see me. I wanted to ask her about her experience of losing someone although I was unsure how to go about it.
"Gabby," I called after her softly, still in doubt if I wanted to go through with the conversation. She heard and turned around. I was taken aback a bit.
"Hey Lina," she smiled at me as she walked back to where I was. "It was really nice seeing you at group meeting today."
"I was glad I could make it." I responded with a soft smile.
"How has it been with healing?"
"I...great. Great." I sounded less convincing even to myself. I was not expecting her question.
"It was tough watching my mum go. We prayed for her to get well, but she did not. I could not understand why." She sighed. "I struggled at first, but I came to embrace the fact that God loves her more. He could heal her if we had faith. I think what we had was hope. We were hoping. Not faith".
I was confused. "What's the difference?"
"Faith is being fully assured you will have what you ask. For hope, there is some element of, it may or it may not. I can't say I did not have doubts in my heart. I am learning to build my faith to raise the dead," she said with a grin. She looked like one of those little happy children.
"Oh, that's nice." I said flatly.
"Funny part, mum did not want to continue. Sometimes, that's why the dead don't come back to life or the sick bid us goodbye. Often times, they get to see the glory as they lay there and when we pray for them, they are not agreeing." She laughed a little. But I could not follow the joke. She noticed and adjusted.
"I will bring a book for you next service. 'Torn' by Jud Wilhite. It helped me while I was trying to figure out my pain." She tapped me on my shoulder and continued on her way.
I watched her happy strides for a bit. I thought about talking to God on the things I'd heard during sermons. I stepped into the back seat of the car. Tears trickled down my face as I wrote down in my notepad.
Dear God,
It has been hard coming to terms with a lot of things lately. I have been grieving. I want to have a conversation with you, but I don't know how to start. So I am writing you instead. People keep saying you are good even in the face of what I consider unfair. And truly you are. Whether I stay mad at you or not, does not change your goodness. I will be missing out on all the goodness of a fellowship with you. The peace. The joy. The sense of belonging. The fulfillment. Lately I have been feeling all that void. I am sorry I have objectified you, as someone who is just to make all my dreams come through. I forgot that as you are my Father, you are God over the universe. I hope you can forgive me. At the sight of trouble, I forgot all about who you are and got mad at you. I know now that I am undeserving of you. At the slightest discomfort, I left you. But you have stuck with me, through all my mistakes and flaws. I could not commit to the truth I have believed. Will you please forgive me and help me get it right again? I see your love keep pursuing, else none of this would be happening. Through family. Friends. Sermons. Discussion. You keep beckoning me back. I rest in the fact that I can trust you with my life, even when my questions go unanswered. Who controls all this? You. Who has my best interest at heart? You. In the midst of this all, I trust you. I know I would face trials and tribulations, but it is from a place of victory. I am more than a conqueror. In life or death, I choose to be committed to you. Please help me.
The end.
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