Deroda's Diary

                          Pricilla was not the first person to complain I try too hard to please people. "You are nice to a fault," her exact words. Kate had lent some of my plates at different times and failed to return them in one piece. "Elizabeth, lend me your plate," Kate said and without waiting for my response, she was at my wardrobe moving things and helping herself to my utensils. I felt Cindy's intense gaze on me. My eyes darted in a different direction. From my side view, I saw her shake her head. I heard some movement on her bed and she was gone. I sighed inaudibly. Kate moved from end of the room to the other dragging her feet along.                      I turned to take my journal where I tucked it in beside my bed. I sat up in bed and rested my back on the wall close to my bed, with my pillow behind me and my legs crossed. My closest friend had give...

           Two weeks into resumption and every one seemed grouped already. I told myself it didn't matter but deep down I felt loneliness gnawing at my insides. I wanted to be left alone and at the same time be included. Priscilla was the first friend I made. She sat beside me during a lecture. She was really chatty but it was easy to follow her discussion. She talked about finding her way around school, getting through the screening process and made other small talks. Whilst lecture was on she would make funny side comments, I loved her instantly. After class, she asked me to go with her to eat at the cafeteria. After the day's work, we walked together to our new homes. She stayed off campus while I stayed on campus. My mum had ensured I got a private hostel in school, she was meticulous about my safety and comfort.                      Priscilla would show me around school. The librar...

          Living alone has its pros and cons. I had never been far from my family or spent a night outside my home. Except for vigils and I was with my family. Leaving for school was going to be a whole new experience for me. Much as I would love to step outside my home and from the constant watch of my mother, the thought of living with people other than my family terrified me. However, I did not look it when my parents dropped me off at the airport. This could be my only chance to learn to survive on my own. In past times, my mum had dictated every step I took, the friends I kept, the places I went, down to the decisions I made. It was hard to form an opinion on my own or take a decision without her. In part, it accounted for my indecisive nature. My Dad took the liberty to lecture me all the time on why I needed to be independent of her.         A varsity in another state, new roommates, a monthly allowance, a new pho...

              Set me as a seal upon your heart, For many waters cannot drown true love -a lover           Aunt  Titi placed the book on the table, she checked her food and was back to her position in front of me. "Sarah", she started as she flipped the pages of the book, "one of the value of having the spirit of God is that we don't have to go about testing waters, doing trials and errors. When we are truly ready He helps us see a compatible partner, not a crush. A relationship where love can strive in spite of the knowledge of their strengths and flaws, not an infatuation that lives today and is gone tomorrow," she laughed. "One week for this boy, the next week another boy, secondary school love," I joined her laughter. She stopped at a page. "Here, read the highlighted portion. You will find it helpful."        "Okay. 'Abba Gerontius of Petra said, Many are they who tempted by the delights of the...

          Jimi was walking me to my hostel. I enjoy his company. He is good at keeping a lively conversation, sometimes I think he sees right through me. We talk about anything. He has been trying to get me to talk about what was making me withdrawn. Some days, I feel bad for thinking such thoughts and want to stop, only to fall back into it. Jimi was talking but I could not hear him. The mild sorrow I felt, the full moon shining above us and the street lamp that cast a gold glow on the wet and empty street, making the atmosphere serene seemed to have set me thinking. For the first time, I noticed him. How come I never thought about him in that way?                "This night breeze is doing so many things to my head", I muttered. I shook my head to regain composure. Jimi was saying something about idols when I came to.        "Huh"        "Idols", he said again.      ...

Let me see your countenance, Let me hear your voice, Sweet is your voice, Your countenance is comely. -a secret lover                         In my world, I was Ivy the girl he was desperately in love with. We'd hold hands and enjoy each other's company. Some weeks into our relationship, we hugged and kissed. One day, we went  giggity-giggity . Dating Stranger was fun. He was super rich. We travelled a lot. Places I have never been. We tried new foods, played a lot (pillow fight, water fight; all that stuff). We had couple goals, fights, moments. It was my fantasy, everything was possible. Nobody gets hurt. Or so I thought. You use your imagination to get what you don't have. Once I really wanted to go to Italy. I simply looked up pictures of it and voilà my own Italy experience right on my bed. It was almost like the real thing.                   "Abigail, have you ev...

         You are all fair, My crush, There is no flaw in you. -a secret lover             Those stories where the ugly lady gets the handsome guy, yeah those ones, I got tired of reading and watching them too. My story is different. I would not say ugly, I am not. He was a stranger with a pair of glasses that looked really cute on him. We will call him Stranger. Come now, my love was not blind. First, he was short, alright medium, something like that. My dream guy should be tall, but this was the one my eyes picked. Second, he had a funny walk and stammered when he spoke. It was cute to me anyways. The irony. Third, he was not popular (I am not into popularity, but you should be influential and intelligent (he was, but not on the geeky level I find attractive).           I never had a crush until then. It started on a sad Friday. My day had gone really bad. I was scrolling through Instagram for f...

         It was my younger brother, he held my leg in one tiny hand and the other held a chocolate substance to his mouth. I smiled at him and lifted him up in the air. I looked at the spot he held my trouser, it was smeared with the chocolate substance. "Even forgiveness is freely given", I smiled at him. He grinned as though he understood what I said. My mother can't be far, I looked ahead to see her discussing with someone, occasionally looking in our direction. Thank God for the wisdom she displayed, I sighed.           The ride home was better than the ride to church. I was comfortable in my skin again. Alone in my room, I ruminated on the things Pastor Emmanuel said. He talked about how the world is waiting for the sons. God is also waiting for His sons to become mature. Such that we leave the level of struggling with sin that easily beset us to the level of getting the news of His grace and power, the kingdom to come know...

        "Through your faith in the Son you are made righteous", he said. "It was not by any work of ours but by the gift of the Son we have received abundance of grace and the gift of righteousness. You have access to God. The same way by Adam's sin we became slave to sin, so through the obedience of the Son we have been made righteous by default when we believe. Our consciousness of sin made it increase but under grace, we are conscious of our righteousness through the Son which causes an increase of grace...". His voice trailed off as I zoned out for a moment. This is Romans he is discussing , how come I never read Romans?         "Ayo, are you with me?" Brought me back to the present. "I was saying you are dead to sin. The old you that struggles with anger, masturbation, unclean thoughts is crucified with Christ. You are no longer under the dominion of sin because you are under grace, you can choose. You are not sold to sin such that you can...

            Luckily, I was not assigned any class in church that Sunday. All through the service all I could think of was pastor Emmanuel. I played out the scenario over and over, his questions and my response. I looked out for him during service, for someone who knows my dirty secret he did not as much as take a glance at me. "The Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Love of God...", and service was over. I can hardly remember the topic of the sermon, not to talk of the details. Getting to church was a huge struggle. I was beginning to consider whether suicide was not better than this walk of shame. "here goes nothing" I said, some minutes later when I found myself in front of pastor Emma's office. I knocked. No response. A second time. Still no response. I was about to leave when he showed up behind me. "Ayo! How are you doing?" You would be deceived we have known each other for long. "Fine sir, good afternoon sir" I rushed my words. "O...