Who am I really? (The finale)

The void was back. I had felt light for a while. The gloom had given me a period of rest or maybe it was Tolu’s steady check up messages. Or did I feel disappointed at his last message? He was right yet I felt upset. “I should not replace God in your life. Like a high that keeps you going and feeling better at the moment. The day I change towards you, then you will be back to being melancholic all the time. Let God be that high.”

Not long we were back to the discussion. “Tolu, I feel empty again. I don’t feel like getting up. It feels like a there is a weight I can’t shake off my chest. I have tried watching funny skits but nothing has helped so far.” He sighed on the other end of the phone.

“We should see. Tomorrow, recreational ground, 3pm. Don’t keep me waiting.”

************

Tolu walked in a gingerly manner, each step never fully touching the ground. It was almost as if he could hear the ground groan about the humans that walk on it everyday. I watched him for a while as he searched for me in the never-ceasing crowd at the recreational ground. I waved at him when he looked in my direction. He looked relieved.

“How are you today?” he asked when he sat beside me.

“Good.”

“Bethy. Don’t make me ask twice.”

“Okay. I am fine actually. After the call, I got thinking.”

“So?” he asked without looking at me.

“Well, I told myself it was not okay to be sad all the time. The new me is full of joy. Although I did not feel any different, I stopped focusing on the fact that I felt sad, then I practiced gratitude instead like you always recommend.” I felt proud of myself.

“Good good” was all Tolu said.

“Well…” I trailed off expecting him to say something.

“When you look in the mirror now, what do you see?” he asked. Not quite what I was expecting but anything is possible with Sir Tolu. And he was being Sir Tolu right now, not Tolu my best friend.

“I see–" I started to answer.

“Don’t answer me. Think about it and measure your growth. Do you believe who the word says you are? Have you accepted it? Do you still permit negative thoughts of yourself to wander in your mind for long? Do you recoil to feeling bad about yourself or situations or you hold onto the word?”

“I am working on it,” I said somewhat disappointed.

“Elizabeth, you need to work around this self pity. You think about your life. Feel sorry for yourself and sink more into unwarranted sadness.” The truth they say is a bitter pill, this one left a sour taste in my mouth.

“I will work on it,” I said simply.

“While you are at it, fill yourself with the word. That is the real you. The real work is not merely in recognizing what Christ has done for you, the real work lies in ensuring that is your experience. So you can either accept that you have joy and work your being into accepting that truth, which of course is not an easy thing or you can choose to wallow in sorrow. You have to be consistent. Your being has believed a lie for so long, that you can’t be happy all the time and you are trying to change that programming. There might be setbacks and conflicts but you have to keep at it. God’s grace is sufficient for you” This time, Tolu watched me closely as he explained the tricks of the old mind. From afar, I probably looked like a child being scolded by her father. I nodded at his words.

“Bethy, it is easy to remain a baby Christian for so long. 1 year, 3, 5, 10 years and you are still the same person. Then someone comes along and 1 month, 3, 6 and he is a totally new person. What do you think differentiates them? One chose to renew his mind and be conformed to the image of the son by reading the word and praying while the other was too lazy to see the need for the work and well chose to continue in the old way. So, what is he going to be? New man or the old man? And we cannot overemphasize the place of fellowship with the brethren." he added with a grin like a Cheshire cat.

“Honestly,” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “You are manipulative. All this just so I can attend Word Tonic with you.”

“Joking apart, I meant every word I said. You need to be intentional about your growth. Take deliberate steps towards it.”

“Yeah yeah.”

“Gotta roll. You don’t have a choice though, you are coming with me. See you later." He pat me on the shoulder and was off to his department. I watched him till he was out of my view. What differentiates us?

“Should I look for another friend cause it seems lately you have been taken?” I turned to see Priscilla standing with both her hands on her waist, her head swayed to the side, with a disinterested look on her face.

“Priscilla, been a while.”

“Okay, what’s going on? Are you avoiding me? You pretty much know you can not do without me on campus right?” Not anymore. I turned from her to face the direction Tolu had taken. A soft smile plastered itself on my face. Not anymore. I know who I am. I am valuable. Good enough. And I deserve good friends. No longer punishing myself.

I swiped at the back of my bag to remove the dust from the pavement, before standing on my feet. “Thank you for the times you have helped me. I need to go. See you around.” I gave her one last smile and turned to leave. Her face was contorted with confusion. “Accepting every gift you give me, without worrying if I deserve it,” I muttered as I walked towards Rhoda’s department.

************

It was Friday. One of my favorite days of the week, not just because it was the weekend but because Tolu and Rhoda had chosen the day for our usual get together. Gist-eat-amen. Don’t ask me what it means, ask Rhoda, she chose the name.

“Ah. I am starving. I could really use that your spaghetti treat.” Tolu stood to my right, retying his shoe lace.

“I am in too,” Rhoda said whooping like a five years old.

“Don’t get too excited, I did not plan to cook tonight,” a tired me sat on the bench close to the sidewalk.

“Have you thought about monetizing your skill?” Tolu asked. “The spaghetti tastes really nice, people will pay for something delicious.”

“Hear, hear,” Rhoda interjected.

“Nah. I don’t have the time,” I leisurely threw popcorn bit by bit up in the air before attempting to catch it with my open mouth. Tolu shook his head at the sight and I stifled a laugh.

“Imagine!” Tolu said, both his hands raised in disbelief. “The skilled ones never take advantage of it. You can always prepare it and store it in your fridge. When you need it just add a little oil, that should make it feel like a freshly prepared meal or you could parboil it and prepare it when there is an order.”

“Hear, hear. Elizabeth, you are getting cooking advise from a guy,” Rhoda said laughing. Tolu feigned offense, contorting his face to appear serious but instead he looked like he was about to burst into laughter. “What do you mean? Certainly, you have not heard of my fame. I have been cooking from my mother’s womb.” He adjusted an imaginary tie around his neck before taking a slight bow. “Don’t worry, this weekend I would be treating the two of you to my special recipe,” he added in an Italian accent.

“That would be great. I will come with enough tissue and Danacid in case the stomach upset starts from your hostel,” Rhoda responded with equal seriousness. I watched the exchange, thoroughly amused until I could not contain it. I laughed so hard a tear dropped from my left eye.

“Look at you.” Tolu turned to me both his hands on his waist. “You better stop laughing. Anyways, before we forget, Elizabeth is treating us. All road leads to Mikalh," Tolu said, walking towards my hostel. Rhoda followed behind him. I stood for a moment watching them. A joy and gratitude I could never express overwhelming me. The angels God sent my way. “Are you coming?” Rhoda turned to back to see I was still standing where we were conversing. “Coming!” I said, hurrying after them.

The end. 🎶

Thank you for reading. ❤️❤️

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