Alitheia 6
Previously: Williams had successfully gotten Alitheia to feel guilty about refusing to visit him at his dorm and she had given in to his request.
I tried to get the images out of my head but it won't budge. It followed me to class, to the library, to the cafeteria and to sleep. It became a cycle. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have allowed myself to be used so? I have to get back at him. I have to. I must. You are dirty. Guilty. You let this happen. I had no break from the thoughts. I decided that I had to tell someone. Sophia was happy to come around. She wondered what was bugging her favorite cousin.
Sophia slumped into my bed next to me. I debated whether telling her was a bad idea. It felt like I would choke if I did not let it out somehow. I watched her as she took off her boots.
"How's my baby girl doing?" She asked when she got the second boot off. She lay on her back and turned towards me.
"I don't know," I replied with a low voice. Her expression changed as she sat up.
"Did something happen?" She took my hand in hers.
"Williams." I said simply. Her body vibrated and I wondered what she thought.
"Did he do anything to you?" Her grip on my hand was tight. My gaze dropped.
"We...he dry humped on me" I felt the shame all over. I looked up at Sophia to see her reaction. She looked relieved. It was not as bad as she thought.
"What exactly happened?"
"He wanted me to come over to his dorm. Whilst we were seeing a movie, he got touchy. I tried to get him to stop kissing my face and neck but he won't listen. My no had been weak. I tried to prevent him from getting on me and as I turned with my back to him, he dry humped on my back. I kept trying to resist him but he won't listen. I stiffened as he continued til he was done."
Sophia looked disappointed. "Why didn't you just leave?" I thought about it. My no had been weak through the ordeal. Although it was late, I could have taken other measures. All I felt was how stupid I was. He had convinced me into staying for the night. "It is okay. You should avoid putting yourself in compromising situations." She pulled me in for a hug and patted my head. I felt a little better from the warm embrace. Raven walked in a moment later. I let her and Sophia continue their conversation.
Olivia was dragging me to fellowship later and I had promised her I will come. Any moment from now and she will be at the door. Olivia has been my only consistent contact with God. I found myself struggling to keep up. I was up late chatting with Williams when I should be studying my Bible. He made sure we had to see everyday no matter how brief. It felt like my interaction with him was sapping other parts of my life. Sometimes I tried to say a word of prayer and it would feel like a distant thing.
I got into the bathroom and turned on the shower. I let the water run through my hair. The image was clear. I saw my younger self. Mum and Dad were out. Michalis was supposed to look after me but he left me with his friend. When Michalis was out, this friend placed me on top of him and rubbed me against his genital. I was clueless as to what he had done. When I came to understand some years later, I detested that clueless child I was. I hated myself for it and I blamed Michalis and my parents for leaving me vulnerable on that day. I ought to go easy on myself, but it still made me feel dirty and guilty to think about it years later. I struggled to turn off the shower as I tried to catch my breath. The image was very clear. It was like reliving the past again. I stepped out of the bathroom feeling worse off.
Olivia was in the room already when I returned. There was a lively discussion underway about the universe. I quietly moved to the wardrobe to get some comfortable clothes. When I was done, I signalled to Olivia I was ready.
Sophia was looking me over. She walked up to me and whispered. "Are you okay?" I nodded affirmatively. She did not believe me. "Let's talk some more when you get back." I nodded again. She gave me a small hug and returned to the bed. Olivia bid Raven goodbye and we stepped outside the room.
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Williams left a message for me. I felt we had gone too far. He was sorry. He had been carried away. There was something about me that made him want more. He was sorry he broke my trust. There will be no repeat. Again, I believed him. We carried on like nothing happened. I was his best friend. He cared a lot about me. He loved me and wanted me to be comfortable to say it back to him. We were just friends. Yet I felt a need for revenge. He had used me and I wanted to get back at him.
He had moved on so quickly from the incident but I still felt guilty and dirty. To make matters worse, the next day, he had sent me a worship song. It felt like mockery. How could one do this and comfortably go on without remorse to God? Although I was barely talking to God, I thought about how he felt about what I had done. Williams did not feel any of that. He was Christian too. He served in church. But none of that mattered to him. He was for whatever pleasure he could find. This was not how I was taught, guilt was threatening to cut me apart.
To be continued.
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