Alitheia

(Previously: Alitheia made a mistake with Williams. The thoughts won't let her be. She invites Sophia to tell her what happened)

The college was on a short break, but Williams and I maintained contact through chats and calls. It had only been three weeks but it felt like three months already. At home, Michalis ensured he tortured me with his violin rehearsals. Listening to it was satisfying sometimes but other times, the bad notes made it awful. He was part of a prestigious orchestra team, La Tuise. My parents were proud of him when they discovered he'd been selected---only the best got into the group and they get to perform far and wide. Michalis would count the places he had been to off his fingers to spite me. 'You live under the rock,' he would say. I would argue that I could be outgoing just like him, only that I chose not to. He would laugh me to scorn. He had everything going well for him. 

He was a straight A student, an outgoing, loved-by-everyone kind of person. He was currently courting Zoe and they were looking to get married in three years. Talk about a well-laid life. I could never measure up---I lived in his shadows. I never knew what I wanted out of life. Choosing a course of study had been my parents' doing. That, and so many other decisions I have had to make. I lived for them. I could not have a mind of my own. How could I? I was the unplanned baby after all. It only made sense my life went as they planned.

Michalis had a concert the weekend of resumption. Mum and Dad had insisted I attended with them before heading back. He was magnificent---I watched him on stage. He was elegantly dressed in a burgundy suit that fitted so well. The rest of the orchestra had matching suits and the ladies wore a lovely gown, a beautiful shade of red. His eyes were closed as he bowed on his violin to the music. It was so serene, almost melancholic. Why am I here? What should I be doing with my life? What will I become? How will my future be? My heart wrestled these thoughts, with a mix of joy for Michalis and, equally, a sting of jealousy. I could never be like him. I felt tears well up in my eyes, one escaped and slid down my right cheek. Mum was sitting to my right, she noticed me wipe it off. The tears increased and soon it became a full-blown crying party. Mum tapped my shoulder to ask if I was okay. I nodded as I desperately tried to stop the tears. On our way back, Mum and Dad were full of praises for Michalis.  

"Alitheía, you should ask your brother the secret of his success. I want to be so proud of you too." Mum said. She was not proud of me. Just wow. Well, there was nothing to be proud of. Still the average Jane. I thought Dad would support me, but I was wrong. 

"Try to be more like your brother. You should be named among the best. We should hear of the wonders you are doing. Sometimes I wonder what you are doing with your life." He took a turn into my college. His words left a bruise on my heart. 

"Alitheia has no interest," Michalis said simply. 

"Well, that is bad. You need to make something of yourself." Mum replied. I looked from one speaker to the other, contemplating the best way to disappear from their lives. There was death. I thought about it. I was too cowardly for that option, plus, that would mean rotting in hell for eternity. Eternity. What does what I do have to do with that? Does my life have any connection with something? Would I only live, work, have a family, raise them to continue the cycle? It is monotonous. I felt my head throb a little. I had zoned out on the car conversation, I did not realize we were parked in front of my dorm. I took out my bag and, quietly, said goodbye. As I turned to leave, I could feel their gaze burning into my back.

Raven was sleeping when I got in. I texted Williams that I was back. A moment later, my phone beeped. His birthday party was still on. I changed into something more fitting, grabbed the present I got for him and headed for his apartment. He introduced me to his friends as his very special friend. I did not realize how much it made me feel good until later. One after the other, his friends left until we were alone in the room. It was well into the night. Williams was supposed to walk me to my Dorm but he started to act sad to get me to stay back. Again, after many emotional manipulation, I stayed back. It felt like I was resigned, like I knew something would happen. I knew it. Even though he'd promised otherwise. Why I did not stick to my no, I did not understand. He was accepting of me. He made me think I was right to feel the way I did about things. It was hard saying no to him. It was my values against pleasing this friend whom I thought resonated well with me. As the night progressed, Williams tried to kiss me. I told him not to---we were not in a relationship. 

"What stops us from being in one?" His left hand stroked my hair, whilst the other held my hands to prevent me from leaving his grip. 

"I don't want to be in one." I cursed my people-pleasing nature for putting me in this position.

"You don't love me?"

"Williams, I care about you." I knew that would not be enough for him. 

"Love. Care. They are different. Alitheia, I promise you, I will never hurt you. Give us a try." 

"I really don't want a relationship." Williams let go of my hands and walked to his reading table. He took out his book and sat down like he was ready to read. I sat on the bed watching him, unsure of what my reaction should be. I was torn. When I did not make a move, he returned to the bed with his classic sad look. He made a case for why I should let us happen. My values screamed no. He made an attempt again, smothering kisses from my cheeks to my lips, I stopped him each time he got to my lips. He called me a sexy bastard on one attempt. That should have been my cue. And when he wasn't getting his way, I got a glimpse of his anger. He tried again after many words. We were to seal the new status with a kiss. He tried again. It was a split second decision, one that let him in, thinking, not thinking. My first kiss was gone.

To be continued...

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Episode 6 

Episode 5

Episode 4

Episode 3

Episode 2

Episode 1