Deroda's Diary

Mrs Williams came over to the house. She looked way better than the last time I saw her. She seemed to have totally come to terms with Beatrice's death, she laughed easily and loudly too at the jokes. I felt very uncomfortable at this. It was barely three months and she was forgetting Beatrice already. At least, that was what I felt. I must hold on to every memory of Beatrice, she would have done the same for me. I couldn't go back to life like nothing had happened. Mrs Williams gave me Beatrice' bible, she felt she would have loved for me to have it if she had the chance to say it. I left her and mum discussing at the dinning table to go and inspect the bible in my room.  I sat on my bed, my hands clenched the bible to my chest. I have seen Beatrice read from it countless times. We would read from it together sometimes. I turned it around, inspecting it. It had a blue cover laced by glitters with a mini pocket at the back. NKJV. Would there be some secret inside? You know,...

The weekend was over and I had to be back in school. I had skipped classes for the past week and the previous week to pull myself together, but as I stood facing the school building, I knew I was not ready to face my new reality. School without Beatrice.  "Lina," I turned around to look at my mother still parked where I got off the car, "it is going to be alright, God is helping you." She said with a mild reassuring smile.  "God?" I spat. "Since when did he care?" I turned from her abruptly and walked towards class. I could imagine the shock my words must have left, but I couldn't care less.                      ****************** I took what felt like the longest walk of my life to class, ignoring stares and nodding to hellos. In class, I wish Mrs Waston had pretended I was not there but she decided to make a fuss about my resumption. Talking about how it was nice to have me back, if I felt better, and how she lost her gr...

  Before this time another year, I may be gone, In some lonesome graveyard, Oh, Lord, how long? The ground around my feet was wet. Partially conscious, occasionally I slightly lift one up to see the dry ground under it. As though the clouds were aware of the grieving party that stood some distance below it, it had showered its bliss briefly. I wondered if it thought it could wash our misery away with some drizzle. The shower had set the mood for more weeping instead.  "Dust to dust, may the soul of the departed rest in the bosom of our saviour where we shall meet again in heaven," the soothing voice of the preacher echoed in the almost empty yard. I heard Beatrice's mum let out some loud sob at his words. I am yet to shed a tear since this nightmare began. I still feel like I am in a dream I would wake up from. Her body was there in the coffin lifeless, no doubt, but it was still unreal to me.           I took a look at the house I have come to kn...

  Set me as a seal upon your heart, F or many waters cannot drown true love -a lover   Aunt Titi placed the book on the table, she checked her food and was back to her position in front of me. "Sarah," she started as she flipped the pages of the book, "one of the value of having the spirit of God is that we don't have to go about testing waters, doing trials and errors. When we are truly ready He helps us see a compatible partner, not a crush. A relationship where love can strive in spite of the knowledge of their strengths and flaws, not an infatuation that lives today and is gone tomorrow," she laughed. "One week for this boy, the next week another boy, secondary school love," I joined her laughter. She stopped at a page. "Here, read the highlighted portion. You will find it helpful." "Okay. 'Abba Gerontius of Petra said, Many are they who tempted by the delights of the flesh, indulged in sexual immorality in the mind without any p...

  Jimi was walking me to my hostel. I enjoy his company. He is good at keeping a lively conversation, sometimes I think he sees right through me. We talk about anything. He has been trying to get me to talk about what was making me withdrawn. Some days, I feel bad for thinking such thoughts and want to stop, only to fall back into it. Jimi was talking but I could not hear him. The mild sorrow I felt, the full moon shining above us and the street lamp that cast a gold glow on the wet and empty street, making the atmosphere serene seemed to have set me thinking. For the first time, I noticed him. How come I never thought about him in that way?        "This night breeze is doing so many things to my head," I muttered. I shook my head to regain composure. Jimi was saying something about idols when I came to. "Huh." "Idols," he said again. "What about them?" I asked confused.  "I use to think about the Israelites and I'd say, how difficult ca...

Let me see your countenance, Let me hear your voice, Sweet is your voice, Your countenance is comely. -a secret lover                      In my world, I was Ivy the girl he was desperately in love with. We'd hold hands and enjoy each other's company. Some weeks into our relationship, we hugged and kissed. One day, we went giggity-giggity . Dating Stranger was fun. He was super rich. We travelled a lot. Places I have never been. We tried new foods, played a lot (pillow fight, water fight; all that stuff). We had couple goals, fights, moments. It was my fantasy, everything was possible. Nobody gets hurt. Or so I thought. You use your imagination to get what you don't have. Once I really wanted to go to Italy. I simply looked up pictures of it and voila my own Italy experience right on my bed. It was almost like the real thing.         "Abigail, have you ever h...