Deroda's Diary

"This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves!" I had to reread this verse over and over. It felt like a silent reproof to all my selfishness. A little I have needs too . A touch of I am not in the right mental space . Sometimes you need a break too.  A brush of laziness . And my assignment seats at a corner waiting for me to look, beyond myself, at the people waiting for God's words through my hands. Sometimes, I want to be left alone. Some days I am lazy. I am not so zealous to pray or fast or wait on God to hear what He wants me to write about.  Some days, life's issues hit me and I feel broken, yet God wants to talk to the people who have yet to see His love. But I want to talk about my struggles, my needs and "Seek first and all will be added" is not soothing at that moment. Ofcourse, He would...

Dear awesome human,         I know. My bad. I stayed away for too long. It has been hard to get back to writing. But I did not forget you. Lately, I have been working on me. This time, I do not bring you a story...instead my musings. Are you sad-mad? You know, these days some bible characters feel closer than before. They are not just figures I was taught, now they feel like real humans. People with flaws and strengths. They are relatable. I keep forgetting to write this. It is funny how everything you could ever go through, someone has been there. Felt the same way. Said the same words. It is amusing. In one of my devotionals, I ended up at Job 7. There, Job seemed mad at God. He was complaining about how God was mindful of man, testing him all the time. And how he wished God would leave him alone, at least for a while to swallow. Then it reminded me of something I wrote in my diary in the past. Lol . I actually told God to leave me alone. Dear dear...

The void was back. I had felt light for a while. The gloom had given me a period of rest or maybe it was Tolu’s steady check up messages. Or did I feel disappointed at his last message? He was right yet I felt upset. “I should not replace God in your life. Like a high that keeps you going and feeling better at the moment. The day I change towards you, then you will be back to being melancholic all the time. Let God be that high.” Not long we were back to the discussion. “Tolu, I feel empty again. I don’t feel like getting up. It feels like a there is a weight I can’t shake off my chest. I have tried watching funny skits but nothing has helped so far.” He sighed on the other end of the phone. “We should see. Tomorrow, recreational ground, 3pm. Don’t keep me waiting.”                          ************ Tolu walked in a gingerly manner, each step never fully touching the ground. It was almost as if he could hear the groun...

          Rhoda knocked on the door twice before putting her head through the entrance. I looked up from my phone. "Ready," she said with a wide smile on her face. Rhoda always seemed excited for reasons best known to her. Her chubby cheeks gave her the appearance of a blushing teenager smitten with love. I took a small jump off my bed, grabbed my bag and went with her. We walked quietly for a while. It was not until we got closer to our faculty that I noticed she was whispering. I was lost in a world of my own. I looked at her and away a number of times. "What are you doing?" I asked finally. "You know, reminding myself of who I am when it looks like the opposite. Got to fake it till you make it,” She chuckled. “Though it is not exactly faking, that is what you are and you are just letting yourself know it till it sticks." She said, gesticulating with her hands. I looked from her hands to her face as she spoke. “Makes sense." I said sim...

“So, who are you really?” Tolu asked. I was quiet for what seemed like minutes. I knew who I was, of course I did. But as I thought about it, I realized there was nothing positive to say. Who am I? Really  I repeated in my head. The replies came fast, like puppies rushing to their owner, trying to be counted. Depressive, shame-prone, overly self conscious, overly sensitive and emotional, given to fear and anxiety, not good enough, wrong body, rejected. The list was endless. Pouring out of my mind like it had been waiting for this moment. A moment of revelation. This is me. A network of everything wrong. I sank into self pity. I felt the tear build up in my eyes and my face felt too hot. A nudge in the right direction, and I would be crying like one mourning a lost loved one. My head remained bowed for a long time. I relived every moment of my past I hated and wished I could change. I was so lost in thought I did not see Tolu approach me. He had moved his seat besi...

        "I am sorry to hear that." I said slowly. "My parents fought all the time," he continued, a soft smile on his face. "Eventually when she could no longer endure the beatings my mother left without a goodbye when I was 10. I have two older siblings. While they reacted to the problems differently, I found I was more sensitive and emotional. It was hard to live with. I grew up bitter at my parents, myself, God and life. I would think, if not for this incidents, I would have turned out better. For a long time, I battled with a negative image of myself. I was a victim of sexual abuse, the child of divorced parents and soon an active follower of all the vices you could think of. It was hard to see myself as anything more than that. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. So, what's your story?". "Something similar," I said plainly. "Why are you so uncomfortable in your skin?" "I am comfortable. What makes yo...

              My wardrobe depicted the state of my mind, a huge mess. The gowns and Cardigan I hung at the top were slipping from the hangers. My clothes lay in piles unfolded, after getting them from the line yesterday I was too tired to fold them. I had turned out the bag containing my undies, headwear and belts yesterday in a hurry. My clips lay atop the mess. Some provision had spilled from placing them improperly or dropping some while using it. I had enough time before my first lecture. Mondays are quite spaced for me. I plugged my headphones and got to work. Some notifications interrupted my music. I took out my phone from my pocket to check it. I scrolled down and saw WhatsApp chats from a number. Probably Sir Tolu. Should I reply now or later? I clicked the message. He was still online. 'Surviving. And you?' I responded to his 'how are you this morning'. I turned off my data connection before he could reply.          ...

             Rhoda walked beside me slowly. Occasionally, I'd steal a glance at her dimples. I noticed they were deeper when she was not talking.   We were still within the church compound. It was very large. One trip round should help you lose all the calories you plan to have. Every now and then Rhoda waved goodbye to someone. We passed some girls taking pictures with funny positions. I chuckled a bit. "That is Lolade, Chichi and Maggi," Rhoda said pointing out the bearers. "Oh," I said.  "Would you like to say hello?  I can introduce you,"  she offered.  "Oh no no. Thank you. I will pass," she was moving towards them already so I put my hands in front of her to stop her movement.  "Wait, you don't like people?" she asked as one of her eye brows shot up and her dimples deepened.  "It is not like that. I-" I fumbled for words to explain myself.  "How is it then? " Rhoda asked.  "I just...well, I enjoy ...

           Worry, fear and anxiety are like the little drops of water from a tiny hole that eventually sinks the ship. Slowly it sips into the mind, only this time you are sinking and too paralyzed to struggle for a chance to live. Never amounting to anything or losing everything that mattered to me in the blink of an eye, there was always something to think about. The fear of being unequal to the demands made upon me. Of falling short everytime my parents compared me to Simie, failing to meet their expectation. Not having friends. Of, well, not getting it right like everyone else. That was home.             My first session with Miss Tutu happened during a short holiday. I woke up with a tightness in my chest. I pushed at my chest, hit it a number of times just to rid the feeling, took long breaths in and out. Nothing changed. I was home alone. I took a walk outside the room into the kitchen in search of food. Junk helped...

                         Church was one of my favourite places to be. I was content to sit at the back and listen to people talk about a God that loved me. Although it was hard to comprehend or accept. It was the place I went to for the necessary high I needed to survive the week. I'd leave church charged, however by the middle of the week I am miserable again. I knew something was wrong with what I had. On this day that the tightness remained, church was where I wanted to be.              I took my usual seat at the back in the last row. Instead of watching people just arriving and those engaging in discussion, I decided to make a diary entry.              18/02/2018             Dear Diary,                          I am here thinking about all the religious pe...