Deroda's Diary

  Life was back to normal. Occasionally I had thoughts about Beatrice, but it was not from the place of sorrow. I knew better, even though it was hard healing. I wasn't mad at God but I found it difficult getting back to him after a long period of not talking to him. I could never avoid Sunday Church cause my parents will not have it. I would sit with them and distract myself through the sermon. This Sunday after our long discussion about Beatrice, I decided to pay attention.  "What was said to you at the point of believing?" The voice of the preacher echoed through the auditorium. "A God that gives all that you want?" I felt the air in my chest tighten.  "We would be lying if we said that." He chuckled a little. "Christ the author and finisher of our faith said in this world we will have troubles, but this we know," His fingers tapped on the pulpit, "that we have overcome like he did." He wiped his forehead with an handkerchief.  ...

Mrs Williams came over to the house. She looked way better than the last time I saw her. She seemed to have totally come to terms with Beatrice's death, she laughed easily and loudly too at the jokes. I felt very uncomfortable at this. It was barely three months and she was forgetting Beatrice already. At least, that was what I felt. I must hold on to every memory of Beatrice, she would have done the same for me. I couldn't go back to life like nothing had happened. Mrs Williams gave me Beatrice' bible, she felt she would have loved for me to have it if she had the chance to say it. I left her and mum discussing at the dinning table to go and inspect the bible in my room.  I sat on my bed, my hands clenched the bible to my chest. I have seen Beatrice read from it countless times. We would read from it together sometimes. I turned it around, inspecting it. It had a blue cover laced by glitters with a mini pocket at the back. NKJV. Would there be some secret inside? You know,...

The weekend was over and I had to be back in school. I had skipped classes for the past week and the previous week to pull myself together, but as I stood facing the school building, I knew I was not ready to face my new reality. School without Beatrice.  "Lina," I turned around to look at my mother still parked where I got off the car, "it is going to be alright, God is helping you." She said with a mild reassuring smile.  "God?" I spat. "Since when did he care?" I turned from her abruptly and walked towards class. I could imagine the shock my words must have left, but I couldn't care less.                      ****************** I took what felt like the longest walk of my life to class, ignoring stares and nodding to hellos. In class, I wish Mrs Waston had pretended I was not there but she decided to make a fuss about my resumption. Talking about how it was nice to have me back, if I felt better, and how she lost her gr...

Before this time another year, I may be gone, In some lonesome graveyard, Oh, Lord, how long? The ground around my feet was wet. Partially conscious, occasionally I slightly lift one up to see the dry ground under it. As though the clouds were aware of the grieving party that stood some distance below it, it had showered its bliss briefly. I wondered if it thought it could wash our misery away with some drizzle. The shower had set the mood for more weeping instead.  "Dust to dust, may the soul of the departed rest in the bosom of our saviour where we shall meet again in heaven," the soothing voice of the preacher echoed in the almost empty yard. I heard Beatrice's mum let out some loud sob at his words. I am yet to shed a tear since this nightmare began. I still feel like I am in a dream I would wake up from. Her body was there in the coffin lifeless, no doubt, but it was still unreal to me.           I took a look at the house I have come to know as m...

"It has been a year and five months. I missed you. It was hard staying away all this while, but how could I possibly write to you when I felt unworthy? I hope that you have been faring well all this while." I had written that in my Google keep in April, preparing to return to writing to you consistently again. But life had other plans for me, or maybe I was lazy and unmotivated. I cannot tell. But writing and returning has been a major challenge, one I am glad to have finally faced. A lot has happened during my time away. I wonder if I can get it all out in a few posts.  Remember how I talked about how I burnt my fingers the last time I wrote to you in December of 2021? Well, just as I was healing, I burnt it again at the beginning of 2022. I would say these burns were a little worse off. I had a hard time healing but the process happened gradually, I did not even realize it until much later. 2023 has been a bliss. I had found God again. Or rather He found me. His voice got ...

A note, more to myself than to you. After wild fires, the plants will sprout again.  I am not sure of what I thought I would be writing when I titled this. I have started and I am clueless as to where this is headed. But I know I want to tell you a lot, I am just not sure how and where to begin. If I can't convey everything now, we would talk about it some other day. I have missed you. The thought of you was constantly on my mind, but I could hardly get out of my head. 2021 was a lot for me, and I imagine it was the same for you. I had the good, bad and ugly moments. I met new versions of myself. I met new people and my introverted self had to be temporarily extroverted. I did burn my fingers till I was left with just skeletons. Even now, they still hurt. I am still healing and it might take a while. Do not take the "burn" literally.  I fell a number of times into prayerlessness, I simply lost count. I was faced with a lot of things I thought I knew how it worked, someti...

Some times back, I made a mistake (you stole meat from the pot?). One I won't have thought myself capable of. But the experience was both humbling and revealing. More importantly, I learnt to fully accept God's forgiveness. I grieved no doubt, but God does not want me to grief like one with no hope. What then is the point of the blood speaking for me? Some days, we make mistakes. We are so disappointed in ourselves, we find it difficult to go back to God in prayer. Yes, you should feel sorry if you love God and your conscience is still tender. But no, you should not let the enemy steal your joy. You try to right yourself before you come to God, forgetting that He knows you. He has fore knowledge, yet He still chooses to delight in you. What's the point though? Is it pride that has caused you to forget you are human, flesh and you might make mistakes sometimes (my pot is currently calling your kettle black, we are together beloved).  We should strive for perfecti...

Some days we have questions. About God. Life. People. We have been called a generation that asks questions. We can't simply accept things to be the way they are. We want to know why. I have found that a lot of people have questions about "the faith". Some ask. Others brush it aside and "carry on". Some day, something happens and since they have no conviction in what they have believed, they are easily swayed.  I don't have all the answers too. Anyone can be swayed.  You do realize questions would come for you right, whether you are ready or not. Questions from people. Circumstances. Your personal thoughts. There is a preparation phase though, I really hope you recognize it and utilize it. People are looking for answers. They are tired of surface knowledge. And we are suppose to be the light. What if you also have questions and you are beginning to doubt?  And Peter says we should always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks us to giv...

"This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves!" I had to reread this verse over and over. It felt like a silent reproof to all my selfishness. A little I have needs too . A touch of I am not in the right mental space . Sometimes you need a break too.  A brush of laziness . And my assignment seats at a corner waiting for me to look, beyond myself, at the people waiting for God's words through my hands. Sometimes, I want to be left alone. Some days I am lazy. I am not so zealous to pray or fast or wait on God to hear what He wants me to write about.  Some days, life's issues hit me and I feel broken, yet God wants to talk to the people who have yet to see His love. But I want to talk about my struggles, my needs and "Seek first and all will be added" is not soothing at that moment. Ofcourse, He would...

Dear awesome human,         I know. My bad. I stayed away for too long. It has been hard to get back to writing. But I did not forget you. Lately, I have been working on me. This time, I do not bring you a story...instead my musings. Are you sad-mad? You know, these days some bible characters feel closer than before. They are not just figures I was taught, now they feel like real humans. People with flaws and strengths. They are relatable. I keep forgetting to write this. It is funny how everything you could ever go through, someone has been there. Felt the same way. Said the same words. It is amusing. In one of my devotionals, I ended up at Job 7. There, Job seemed mad at God. He was complaining about how God was mindful of man, testing him all the time. And how he wished God would leave him alone, at least for a while to swallow. Then it reminded me of something I wrote in my diary in the past. Lol . I actually told God to leave me alone. Dear dear...