Deroda's Diary

(Previously: Alitheia made a mistake with Williams. The thoughts won't let her be. She invites Sophia to tell her what happened) The college was on a short break, but Williams and I maintained contact through chats and calls. It had only been three weeks but it felt like three months already. At home, Michalis ensured he tortured me with his violin rehearsals. Listening to it was satisfying sometimes but other times, the bad notes made it awful. He was part of a prestigious orchestra team, La Tuise. My parents were proud of him when they discovered he'd been selected---only the best got into the group and they get to perform far and wide. Michalis would count the places he had been to off his fingers to spite me. 'You live under the rock,' he would say. I would argue that I could be outgoing just like him, only that I chose not to. He would laugh me to scorn. He had everything going well for him.  He was a straight A student, an outgoing, loved-by-everyone kind of perso...

Previously: Williams had successfully gotten Alitheia to feel guilty about refusing to visit him at his dorm and she had given in to his request.  I tried to get the images out of my head but it won't budge. It followed me to class, to the library, to the cafeteria and to sleep. It became a cycle. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have allowed myself to be used so? I have to get back at him. I have to. I must. You are dirty. Guilty. You let this happen. I had no break from the thoughts. I decided that I had to tell someone. Sophia was happy to come around. She wondered what was bugging her favorite cousin.  Sophia slumped into my bed next to me. I debated whether telling her was a bad idea. It felt like I would choke if I did not let it out somehow. I watched her as she took off her boots.  "How's my baby girl doing?" She asked when she got the second boot off. She lay on her back and turned towards me.  "I don't know," I replied with a low v...

Previously: Raven engaged Olivia in a discussion about the origin of the world, whilst a tired Alitheia listened without enthusiasm. Williams has been extremely touchy lately. Whenever I protested to his hand movements at my lower back, he would say I was too rigid and uptight. Sometimes while we walked, he tried to hold my hands. I was worried he kept trying to cross every boundary I set against him. And this was his mission. He said so himself. He did not want any boundaries between us. We were not in a relationship and I was not prepared for one. I had my ideas of how it should go, when the time was right.  Some days, he tried to get into my head. He made me question my choices and convictions, which he often called weird. Williams had been trying to get me to visit him at his apartment, but I had been avoiding it. He stayed alone and my instincts told me things could go amiss. He had told me to trust him and learn to be free with him. He told me he trusted me too. He was closer...

(Sequel to a review we got, we will attach a summary of the previous episode to a new one for ease of reading). Last episode recap : Alitheia had her first lecture. She made an acquaintance in class, Olivia. We closed in on her discussion with Williams at the park.  Williams and I kept in touch. We hung out frequently and stayed up late talking on the phone. He felt he had a best friend in me already, it was barely two months. Although everything about our interaction seemed to move at a fast pace, I tried to keep up with him. He would gush out about how wonderful I was. He told me deep secrets, which, according to him, he had never shared with anyone. He was quick to tell me he loved me, even though he mentioned it was as a friend, it still made me uncomfortable and short of words to reply. I adjusted to my school schedule quickly. I was either in lectures, reading at the library or my dorm, hanging out with Sophia, Williams or Olivia. During club fair, I joined the community serv...

When I woke up, I was a bit startled before I recollected I was back in my dormitory. Sophia kept me out late yesterday. She had given me a tour of the campus. My phone showed it was exactly 6am. I sat up in bed and mentally planned my day. Raven was fast asleep on the bed across me. She looked so innocent with a book cradled between her hands. I stifled a yawn as I walked to my wardrobe, I changed into my towel and went into the bathroom.  My parents had spent extra money to get me a place where the toilet and bathroom facilities were inside the room. The bathroom was separate from the toilet. It was a medium space divided into three sections. The bathroom was on one end of the section, covered by a transparent glass just enough to tell when someone was inside. They left a part of the glass open for entrance. The toilet was on the other end with the glass covering as well. There was a sink in the middle section. It had a mirror just above it. A small two-door-opener cupboard was a...

I had been sleeping for over an hour when I heard the sound of keys jingling at my door. I heard a low groan just as the door opened. I turned in my bed to see a girl about my age. She was pulling her second box into the room. I pulled the covers up to my face, so she won't notice me staring. She pulled in the last box with a small groan, then she stood at the door, examining the room. She had an emo vibe, with her edgy all-black attire, heavy boots, ripped skinny jeans, plain black tee, scorpion pendant type necklace, and multiple rings on her fingers. Her black beanie covered her hair. Once she seemed satisfied with the room, she slumped onto her bed across me. There was a beep from her phone and she took it out of her pocket. I debated whether to say hello. Just as I was contemplating, she sat up and looked directly at me.  "Are you always shy or it is a first time thing?" Her voice startled me. I lowered the covers to reveal my face and realized she was addressing me....

  "Alítheia, stay in the middle. Michalis, move closer to your mom." He grudgingly moved to where Sophia was pointing. Mom put one arm around him and the other around me. Dad stood next to me wearing my cap. He leaned into me to stay within the frame shot Sophia was directing.  "How long before the actual picture is taken?" Michalis groaned. He was not one to take pictures. Sophia ignored his comment.  "Everybody say cheese." "Cheese!" We repeated. Sophia took a couple of shots. She looked into the camera to check the result while we still maintained our pose waiting for the next instruction.  "Hold on," Sophia came to adjust my academic gown. She took a step backwards. "Perfect." More shots followed. We did a goofy pose and we were done.  It was easy getting Sophia to come take my pictures on my matriculation day, though she would have claimed to have a busy schedule if it had been any other member of the family. Although she...

  Life was back to normal. Occasionally I had thoughts about Beatrice, but it was not from the place of sorrow. I knew better, even though it was hard healing. I wasn't mad at God but I found it difficult getting back to him after a long period of not talking to him. I could never avoid Sunday Church cause my parents will not have it. I would sit with them and distract myself through the sermon. This Sunday after our long discussion about Beatrice, I decided to pay attention.  "What was said to you at the point of believing?" The voice of the preacher echoed through the auditorium. "A God that gives all that you want?" I felt the air in my chest tighten.  "We would be lying if we said that." He chuckled a little. "Christ the author and finisher of our faith said in this world we will have troubles, but this we know," His fingers tapped on the pulpit, "that we have overcome like he did." He wiped his forehead with an handkerchief.  ...

Mrs Williams came over to the house. She looked way better than the last time I saw her. She seemed to have totally come to terms with Beatrice's death, she laughed easily and loudly too at the jokes. I felt very uncomfortable at this. It was barely three months and she was forgetting Beatrice already. At least, that was what I felt. I must hold on to every memory of Beatrice, she would have done the same for me. I couldn't go back to life like nothing had happened. Mrs Williams gave me Beatrice' bible, she felt she would have loved for me to have it if she had the chance to say it. I left her and mum discussing at the dinning table to go and inspect the bible in my room.  I sat on my bed, my hands clenched the bible to my chest. I have seen Beatrice read from it countless times. We would read from it together sometimes. I turned it around, inspecting it. It had a blue cover laced by glitters with a mini pocket at the back. NKJV. Would there be some secret inside? You know,...

The weekend was over and I had to be back in school. I had skipped classes for the past week and the previous week to pull myself together, but as I stood facing the school building, I knew I was not ready to face my new reality. School without Beatrice.  "Lina," I turned around to look at my mother still parked where I got off the car, "it is going to be alright, God is helping you." She said with a mild reassuring smile.  "God?" I spat. "Since when did he care?" I turned from her abruptly and walked towards class. I could imagine the shock my words must have left, but I couldn't care less.                      ****************** I took what felt like the longest walk of my life to class, ignoring stares and nodding to hellos. In class, I wish Mrs Waston had pretended I was not there but she decided to make a fuss about my resumption. Talking about how it was nice to have me back, if I felt better, and how she lost her gr...