Deroda's Diary

A note, more to myself than to you. After wild fires, the plants will sprout again.  I am not sure of what I thought I would be writing when I titled this. I have started and I am clueless as to where this is headed. But I know I want to tell you a lot, I am just not sure how and where to begin. If I can't convey everything now, we would talk about it some other day. I have missed you. The thought of you was constantly on my mind, but I could hardly get out of my head. 2021 was a lot for me, and I imagine it was the same for you. I had the good, bad and ugly moments. I met new versions of myself. I met new people and my introverted self had to be temporarily extroverted. I did burn my fingers till I was left with just skeletons. Even now, they still hurt. I am still healing and it might take a while. Do not take the "burn" literally.  I fell a number of times into prayerlessness, I simply lost count. I was faced with a lot of things I thought I knew how it worked, someti...

Some times back, I made a mistake (you stole meat from the pot?). One I won't have thought myself capable of. But the experience was both humbling and revealing. More importantly, I learnt to fully accept God's forgiveness. I grieved no doubt, but God does not want me to grief like one with no hope. What then is the point of the blood speaking for me? Some days, we make mistakes. We are so disappointed in ourselves, we find it difficult to go back to God in prayer. Yes, you should feel sorry if you love God and your conscience is still tender. But no, you should not let the enemy steal your joy. You try to right yourself before you come to God, forgetting that He knows you. He has fore knowledge, yet He still chooses to delight in you. What's the point though? Is it pride that has caused you to forget you are human, flesh and you might make mistakes sometimes (my pot is currently calling your kettle black, we are together beloved).  We should strive for perfecti...

Some days we have questions. About God. Life. People. We have been called a generation that asks questions. We can't simply accept things to be the way they are. We want to know why. I have found that a lot of people have questions about "the faith". Some ask. Others brush it aside and "carry on". Some day, something happens and since they have no conviction in what they have believed, they are easily swayed.  I don't have all the answers too. Anyone can be swayed.  You do realize questions would come for you right, whether you are ready or not. Questions from people. Circumstances. Your personal thoughts. There is a preparation phase though, I really hope you recognize it and utilize it. People are looking for answers. They are tired of surface knowledge. And we are suppose to be the light. What if you also have questions and you are beginning to doubt?  And Peter says we should always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks us to giv...

"This is how we’ve come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves!" I had to reread this verse over and over. It felt like a silent reproof to all my selfishness. A little I have needs too . A touch of I am not in the right mental space . Sometimes you need a break too.  A brush of laziness . And my assignment seats at a corner waiting for me to look, beyond myself, at the people waiting for God's words through my hands. Sometimes, I want to be left alone. Some days I am lazy. I am not so zealous to pray or fast or wait on God to hear what He wants me to write about.  Some days, life's issues hit me and I feel broken, yet God wants to talk to the people who have yet to see His love. But I want to talk about my struggles, my needs and "Seek first and all will be added" is not soothing at that moment. Ofcourse, He would...

Dear awesome human,         I know. My bad. I stayed away for too long. It has been hard to get back to writing. But I did not forget you. Lately, I have been working on me. This time, I do not bring you a story...instead my musings. Are you sad-mad? You know, these days some bible characters feel closer than before. They are not just figures I was taught, now they feel like real humans. People with flaws and strengths. They are relatable. I keep forgetting to write this. It is funny how everything you could ever go through, someone has been there. Felt the same way. Said the same words. It is amusing. In one of my devotionals, I ended up at Job 7. There, Job seemed mad at God. He was complaining about how God was mindful of man, testing him all the time. And how he wished God would leave him alone, at least for a while to swallow. Then it reminded me of something I wrote in my diary in the past. Lol . I actually told God to leave me alone. Dear dear...

The void was back. I had felt light for a while. The gloom had given me a period of rest or maybe it was Tolu’s steady check up messages. Or did I feel disappointed at his last message? He was right yet I felt upset. “I should not replace God in your life. Like a high that keeps you going and feeling better at the moment. The day I change towards you, then you will be back to being melancholic all the time. Let God be that high.” Not long we were back to the discussion. “Tolu, I feel empty again. I don’t feel like getting up. It feels like a there is a weight I can’t shake off my chest. I have tried watching funny skits but nothing has helped so far.” He sighed on the other end of the phone. “We should see. Tomorrow, recreational ground, 3pm. Don’t keep me waiting.”                          ************ Tolu walked in a gingerly manner, each step never fully touching the ground. It was almost as if he could hear the groun...

          Rhoda knocked on the door twice before putting her head through the entrance. I looked up from my phone. "Ready," she said with a wide smile on her face. Rhoda always seemed excited for reasons best known to her. Her chubby cheeks gave her the appearance of a blushing teenager smitten with love. I took a small jump off my bed, grabbed my bag and went with her. We walked quietly for a while. It was not until we got closer to our faculty that I noticed she was whispering. I was lost in a world of my own. I looked at her and away a number of times. "What are you doing?" I asked finally. "You know, reminding myself of who I am when it looks like the opposite. Got to fake it till you make it,” She chuckled. “Though it is not exactly faking, that is what you are and you are just letting yourself know it till it sticks." She said, gesticulating with her hands. I looked from her hands to her face as she spoke. “Makes sense." I said sim...

“So, who are you really?” Tolu asked. I was quiet for what seemed like minutes. I knew who I was, of course I did. But as I thought about it, I realized there was nothing positive to say. Who am I? Really  I repeated in my head. The replies came fast, like puppies rushing to their owner, trying to be counted. Depressive, shame-prone, overly self conscious, overly sensitive and emotional, given to fear and anxiety, not good enough, wrong body, rejected. The list was endless. Pouring out of my mind like it had been waiting for this moment. A moment of revelation. This is me. A network of everything wrong. I sank into self pity. I felt the tear build up in my eyes and my face felt too hot. A nudge in the right direction, and I would be crying like one mourning a lost loved one. My head remained bowed for a long time. I relived every moment of my past I hated and wished I could change. I was so lost in thought I did not see Tolu approach me. He had moved his seat besi...

        "I am sorry to hear that." I said slowly. "My parents fought all the time," he continued, a soft smile on his face. "Eventually when she could no longer endure the beatings my mother left without a goodbye when I was 10. I have two older siblings. While they reacted to the problems differently, I found I was more sensitive and emotional. It was hard to live with. I grew up bitter at my parents, myself, God and life. I would think, if not for this incidents, I would have turned out better. For a long time, I battled with a negative image of myself. I was a victim of sexual abuse, the child of divorced parents and soon an active follower of all the vices you could think of. It was hard to see myself as anything more than that. But there was light at the end of the tunnel. So, what's your story?". "Something similar," I said plainly. "Why are you so uncomfortable in your skin?" "I am comfortable. What makes yo...

              My wardrobe depicted the state of my mind, a huge mess. The gowns and Cardigan I hung at the top were slipping from the hangers. My clothes lay in piles unfolded, after getting them from the line yesterday I was too tired to fold them. I had turned out the bag containing my undies, headwear and belts yesterday in a hurry. My clips lay atop the mess. Some provision had spilled from placing them improperly or dropping some while using it. I had enough time before my first lecture. Mondays are quite spaced for me. I plugged my headphones and got to work. Some notifications interrupted my music. I took out my phone from my pocket to check it. I scrolled down and saw WhatsApp chats from a number. Probably Sir Tolu. Should I reply now or later? I clicked the message. He was still online. 'Surviving. And you?' I responded to his 'how are you this morning'. I turned off my data connection before he could reply.          ...